I can't sleep.
I keep thinking about how as I've gone through life people just kind of disappear on me. Figuratively and literally.
I'm cognizant of the fact that these things happen to everyone to some degree but it seems like its more frequent with me. I inevitably run across the kind of people who are at a crossroads and I'm just there to help them see their options.
As though I were just a way-point for others to figure out where they're going.
There's a kind of noble altruism to it all but the personal toll is always heavy as I watch their taillights fade into the distance.
Be it family, friend or lover it makes no difference. Ultimately my function is to enable theirs for some time before they move on. As they go I cannot follow for any number of reasons but mostly just because I don't fit anymore.
At some point it has to be about me and not just what I can give. However selfish that may seem I know it's ultimately true.
But it always seems to end up the same no matter what I do.
Being me is like going through life with a countdown timer running for every relationship. The shoe will eventually drop and I'll be on my own again waiting for the next weary traveler to show up. I'll take whatever small measure of happiness I can gather before they too move on.
That's life I suppose. People come, people go.
I try to do that too but my road goes in circles and I end up back where I started frustrated, alone and unfulfilled.
Better to have loved and lost they say but for me love isn't something that ever comes easy. For most its no more than a match.com profile where for me it's a divine symphony whose movements stir the soul.
I've heard the music but the piece is always unfinished.
A symphony of one isn't a symphony at all. It's a solo.
And there too, especially there, I stand at those same crossroads and grudgingly start the timer once again.
