Sunday, July 15, 2018

Sometimes I think God hates me...



Sing it baby, sing it.

If there's such a thing as past lives I must have been freakin' Hitler...

Because it seems nothing goes right...all at once.

I get to a nice normal place.  Things aren't perfect, normal trials and tribultations.

Then I get hit. 

Not just like, Ouch, wow that was inconvenient...

No, no...

More like, I'm going to threaten your entire life kind of crap.

I seem to end up screwing up relationships without even trying then I get hit with crap like..

So,  I drive older cars because, well, I can't afford newer ones.  

I've accepted that and all that comes with it.   Meaning a lot of time in the garage and I've become pretty handy.

BUT!

When God hates me, he hates me good.

So what prompted this?

Two things.

Drove home tonight from my Aunt's house after trying to help her out with her car and some stuff around her house.  

She's got awesome dogs by the way..

Here's a pic of a couple of them...





So I get off the freeway and the car starts acting funny...

Long story short the Transmission is shot.

Already got a quote.  Looking at around $1600

There goes the next month's paychecks.... Rent is going to be an interesting discussion...

OH!

But I have another car...

Except it's having issues too.  Issues that could make it as useless as the one sitting on the side of the garage right now.

Life happens.  

A bit much...

God do me one thing and please let me get it straightened out so I can at least go to work.

I already have no social life, my friends are busy with their own lives and.....who cares.

Somehow I screwed up things enough to be here.

So yet again, positivity is taking a beating.

I'm positive this is all happening for a reason but the knee-jerk is simply...

FUCK!

I don't know how much I'm supposed to take but I've heard that GOD don't give you more than
you can handle.

ok...

We'll see about that.

Well, at least the grass is looking better on the front lawn.

I'm probably going to be healthier for NOT getting the Bacon Whopper at Burger King last night...

I've got a few beers left in the fridge...

That and, I still know that in the grand scheme none of this matters.  I can remember similar times.  Proud battle scars now.

Lord, I know I'll come through this somehow.  I've done it before.

Good thing I can't make any romance stuff work.  I'd hate to put anyone else through this crap. 

I must be pretty strong...

It'll work out however it's meant to whether I like it or not.   Just like the rest of my life...

Well, nothing happens without effort.  I'm not just going to sit here and sulk about it. 

Wish me luck with the other car.  That and a few prayers wouldn't hurt.  

I may not be as devout as some but I do clasp hands and do some deep talking to invisible people more often than some might think except I'm usually worried about other folks.

Yeah, My aunt, my folks and yes, my muse for all those "other" blog posts.

Still, you know what.

Whomever is reading this.

It'll work out.  I'm not going anywhere ( literally right now ) so no worries. 

Maybe a little more faith is what I need.

An extra prayer from me for the crap you DON'T have to go through.

To those who might be worried.  Nothing but hope and love in my heart.

Peace..

Friday, July 13, 2018

Free association...Moving in Stereo



Moving in Stereo, who needs 5.1

"So easy to blow up your problems, so easy to play up your breakdown..."

Too much drama, desensitized, deaf, only about you... 

Who cares what I feel right?

I need to quit thinking I can help people that don't want to be helped....

I need to stop falling for people who don't give a damn...

I need to learn to be a better sociopath.  They seem to succeed in everything in this fucked up world.

Nah, too much conscience for that...

Sounds, colors, thoughts, emotions, a dirty canvas.   Throw it out.

Too much in my heart, keeps stirring the soul.  Dumbass...

Shattered, not quite but the cracks are obvious.

Always the same, always sad songs.

A curse of knowing.  An endless loop of....what?

Did I ever tell you?  

I knew she'd leave me.  When I asked for her hand her dad said to me, " don't break her heart" 

I said, " Don't worry, she'll probably break mine "

God, I knew then...

Another Her... 

My fault, her fault, nobody's fault.

It's just...

Things uncovered long buried. I never dealt with them I just ignored them and 20 years later made the same choices.

Mom's fault, Dad's fault..Who is he again?  Who fucking cares.

Only reprieve, I make others happy.

Without that...

Best not to dwell.  

Tired of the same hamster wheel...

No worries, but no I don't care if you think I'm nuts.  How perfect is your life?

Do you dare look closer?

Your own lie to bear.

At least I admit to mine.

Too many "hers" I've waited on.

One blessing makes all this pass.

The other shoe has dropped.and I'm still here.

No so bad after all...

Stronger than I thought.

Too bad only I know it...

Whatever...

"All mixed up..."Don't care, not my problem...

"Leave it to me..." 

Yeah, that's the problem.  

Never EVER leave it to someone else.

Hey God, could we stop this now?

A lottery win or something would be nice...

Dumbass...

Me, not God 


Somebody would be offended...


Let's stay away from the whole God thing...


"She never does arrive" 


So I'll stop waiting...

Stupid games, too old for this crap...


Rah..