Sunday, May 20, 2018

Expectations: Love, positivity and otherwise



I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately and that's a bad thing because, well, I'm really bad at them.


Not bad in sense of being selfish or abusive.


Rather, I tend to be as my 8th grade English teacher once said to me...."Hyper analytical."


Before you run off to Google it, that just means I think too much...about everything.


Seems nothing happens in my life without at least some measure of the consequences being considered first.  


At length...


The same can be said for a lot of  people but I tend to take it to another level.  Hence...Hyper analytical.

It's served me well for all those things where there was a "safer" option but relationships are all about risk and reward.


So let me put this out there right up front.  The Internet is a HORRIBLE place to find answers to your relationship questions.  Want to ruin a good thing?  Listen to some idiot try to tell you what you're feeling.  


"The first kiss should happen by the second date..."

"Sex should happen by the 5th date..."

"If she doesn't want to hold your hand it means she's not into you..."


Bull...


Love isn't an Amazon Prime purchase.  There are no customer reviews or 5 star rating systems.  Well, there are but they're worthless.


The heart wants what it wants but I can tell you from experience that the heart is, to be blunt, stupid.  This is why we have brains.  The problem is the two are mortal enemies.  Where the heart may be warm and accepting the brain is cold, analytical and far more subject to the influence of the sin of "idle hands."


Leave things unsaid long enough and those "idle hands" get busy.


The best relationship advice is to forget about expectations.  Especially those born from uncertainty.


If you look for answers everywhere BUT the person who actually has them you're doomed.


I've written about the dangers of relying on absolutes before and when it comes to relationships it seems they're everywhere.  Look for definitive answers to questions about love and you get 1000 opinions.  All of them framed as a golden truth but as worthless as cow patties.


OK, here's the wave thing again...

Remember we can only control our own actions, our own thoughts and our own judgement.  The more we ride the waves the more we learn that no two are ever the same.  Any expectations beyond "wet" and "movement" are unreliable.

Be open to what's happening in the relationship good or bad but keep your expectations out of it.


I can tell you from experience that the worst heartbreak comes not from what you think someone did to you but rather a personal expectation they couldn't and/or didn't want to live up to.  
  
That's the issue with expectations; they aren't reality, they're just unspoken demands.  Anything unspoken eventually leads to trouble down the line.  Besides, DEMANDS don't make for great relationships.


I have a close friend that I absolutely HATE going to restaurants with.  The reason is that he's never happy with his order.    An example comes to mind. 


My friend often orders salads.  Now it's not unusual that they just might include a tomato or two.   

Thing is, he hates tomatoes with a passion but when he orders he  never says anything to the waiter about his disdain for all things tomato.  So the salad comes with the offending red veggie (Supreme Court says it's not a fruit BTW) and spends the rest of the meal grumbling about how they should have known he didn't want tomatoes.  

 It's happened so often that now I won't go anywhere with him that doesn't require you to tell someone behind a sneeze guard exactly what you want.  

Subway restaurants come to mind...


Just like my finicky eating friend you never get what you want when you make unilateral judgments.   


Admittedly, that's hard to do at times.  


Gosh, wouldn't it be just wonderful if if all our relationships were like an 80's John Hughes film.  A couple of awkward meetings, love and/or friendship develops and gets tested just before the ultimate resolution rising to a crescendo complete with happy ending all in the space of a couple of hours.


Yeah, it don't work that way.


BUT!


It's easier if you're riding the wave instead of trying to dictate its direction.  Love the moment, breathe in the atmosphere and enjoy the ride.  


Just don't forget to keep your eyes open.


We get into the most trouble when we get lost in our own expectations and make blind assumptions.

Be you, be real and be open... 


Saturday, May 19, 2018

Randomized and Uncategorized....This blog



I'm not sure if anyone really cares about blogging anymore. 

Our lives are so exposed and so EASY to expose with far less effort these days that it's hardly worth the effort.

I mean yeah, there's no shortage of "CEO corner" examples but that's just marketing fluff to appease shareholders.

It's rare that I see anything genuine simply because so few care about the medium.

Which is one of the reasons I started this blog.  I was fairly certain nobody would read it which lets it live in a kind of limbo of being "online" but still largely anonymous.  That also removes the barriers to my content that come from trying to please an audience.

Take it for what it's worth and I have to admit sometimes it's absolutely worthless.

But there are those times when something magical happens.  Brief interludes where thoughts, ideas and emotions flow freely culminating in something that gives me pause.

And I wrote it!

If you want to know the purpose it's quite simple really...

It's a collection of points in time, a sounding board and sometimes just a writing exercise.  Most of the time there's no grand plan, no agenda, no motive.

In fact it's much like the classic personal diary except I rarely expose the personal except to illustrate a concept I may be trying to get across.

I've actually had readers contact me expressing concern over certain posts that may seem indicative of some kind of internal strife. 

Trust me, nothing is further from reality. You're just getting a window into my process of purging those things that are better not internalized.

That kind of thing is at odds, however, with something that's always worried me.  That is, being misunderstood and sending the wrong message.

There are times when words can't express what's in my head no matter how hard I try.  Thoughts and emotions, joy, sorrow, befuddlement and amusement. 

Some things are meant to be expressed in other ways...

Of course that's not the sole purpose of this blog.  Writing exercises, commentary on popular culture and even my own brand of philosophy are found here.

A grab bag of disjointed topics collected together in one grand mess. 

So love it, hate it or ponder it just know that I'm probably doing the same after I hit that "publish" button.