Best of the latest Battlefield stream - A dramatic ( funny ) reading

Nice guys...Ladies, you're the problem

Before we get started let me preface this post...

I happened to be sampling all the bad relationship advice found on the Internet with all the same tired stereotypes and psychotic reasoning that goes along with it.   

...and it pissed me off... 

It's not meant to be directed at any one person but rather a spectrum of people in my and others experience.

 

I just had an epiphany or more accurately had it again.

I just remembered why I gave up on romantic relationships for the past decade or so...

You see, in the context of relationships I'm pretty much "The Nice Guy."

Which for both sexes pretty much puts the "sucker" brand on my forehead...

Screw your brands...

I've had it.  I've had it with the games, the bad advice, the lies and the excuses.

I've had a front row seat to and been in enough of my own relationships to see just how much BS goes on.  The subjugation  of the self, the lies, the denial.  All for the greater glory of bragging rights over your "unattached" friends.

"Oh god, you haven't been regularly dating?  What's wrong with you?  That's not normal...Oh I know this great..."

Screw you...

I choose not to because I prefer quality over quantity and as an ADULT I know what to look for without wearing out my mattress to figure it out.  

I don't get involved with anyone for any reason other than I think they're worth it.  PERIOD.

Can you say as much?  Are your standards as high or do you just put up with whatever douchebag/bitch that comes along to convince yourself that you're "normal."

Your "normal" is sick...

The number 1 relationship tip is to love yourself first.  If you're putting yourself through all that crap just to measure up to the status quo you can't like yourself much, let alone love...

Crap like...

The "chase," how women love the chase...

Chase this...

If your only validation is that someone actually WANTS to get your attention that's a pretty low bar.

So you overcompensate and set up a bunch of "rules" that might as well be built on the shifting sands of some hurricane battered beach.

"Oh, he calls and texts too much.  He's too needy...."  Even if it's a couple times a week a disinterested woman can blow it up to the proportions of "constant."

Now I admit this could be a reach (not) but just maybe your new "friend" is wondering why you suddenly dropped off the end of the Earth.  Be honest for a change and just admit you either don't have time or don't have any interest.  Relationships have 2 sides. 

It's not "needy" if you're actually interested in someone though now is it?  Be honest, if you can. No, never mind.  You can't.  

Men aren't the only ones with double standards...

If you had any real interest at all you'd be obsessing that he wasn't contacting you enough.

"He took 40 minutes to respond to my text!  Why doesn't he like me!"

Let me clue you in.  A guy that's interested in you is going to take any opportunity to talk to you  regardless of whether he's a "nice guy."  If you give him your number you're signalling that you're OK with it. 

Don't like it?  Don't give it to him till you actually WANT to talk to him on a regular basis or heaven forbid stop thinking we can read minds and just say so.

"I don't even talk to my friends every day."

Uh, yeah, yeah you do.  At least in the beginning.  That's how they became your friends.  Otherwise you would never have gotten to know them.  I've got friends going back 30 years that I regularly contact.  Not as much these days because, well....

We know each other now.  

How did that happen?  We hung out a lot.  Sometimes every day!

Friendships aren't metered like minutes on a mobile plan.  Neither are romantic relationships.   People get to know each other by hanging out and talking.  They don't have to adhere to some BS schedule with acceptable hours and frequency because they already KNOW you and what's acceptable.  

That happens because people who like each other actually want to spend time together not just endure it.

Otherwise you might as well be scheduling an appointment with a repairman.  

You gonna hang out with butt-crack guy?  Maybe consider the marriage potential?

Grow up...

What are we?  A bunch of 5 year olds on the playground?  Perhaps I should dip your pigtails in the inkwell then.  That is how little boys used to show they liked a girl at that age...I guess they just like their Facebook page now.

What a bunch of bullshit.  

Yes, it's wonderful when a relationship is new and you're feeling each other out.  Although it seems that nowadays it's more like the real measure of "romance" is how fast you can feel each other up.

For men, the quicker the better for women it's how long they can hold him off.

Congratulations, you've graduated to high school groping in the back seat of mom's Prius.

How ironic.  How hypocritical...

A guy that's honest and upfront is "weak and needy."  While captain Douchebag could be a lying prick, you can't get your mind off the wedding invitations and your 2.3 kids.

What a load...

 
Then when he dumps you, abuses you, cheats or otherwise trashes your life you're mystified at how this "great guy" could have done you so wrong.

Here's a hint..  You picked him.  Eyes firmly shut.

You based your decision on what you wanted instead of what you knew.  This goes for guys too by the way...

Expectations again.  Unspoken demands.  They will ALWAYS FAIL YOU.

Want less heartbreak?  How about actually appreciating honesty when it's offered instead of the hollow shell you hold up.

There's nothing that takes more courage for a man than admitting he loves another person.  Nothing.  We're even more terrified than you are of having our feelings betrayed.
By the way I mean REAL LOVE, not just saying the word to get into your pants.

Even the Macho asshole types are just scared little boys inside that don't want to be hurt.

The most unstable, insecure and immature men are the ones that treat women like garbage.  

If you're OK being treated like garbage then don't be surprised when you get dumped.

Otherwise stop bagging on the "Nice Guys."  Respect, attention and consideration are not abnormal behaviors but your reaction to them is.

Live up to your own standards and maybe the fucking divorce rate will finally drop.   

I'm done with this...

Virtual Vegan Vigilantes (Veggie Nazis)

"We enslave, torture, and murder billions of cows, pigs, and chickens every year and nobody bats an eye. A dog is forced to swim for a scene in a movie and everyone loses their fucking minds."

Oh please.....

That quote is from yet another Vegan "activist" on Reddit hijacking a thread to draw yet another false equivalency to make a ridiculous point.  

That being of course, the evils of factory farming somehow not rising to level of someone who beats up a dog.

I'm sorry if I offend anyone with this but dammit....

I'm sick of half-baked, half-assed activists whose only goal in life it seems is to make everyone else feel miserable.

So thank you Veggie Nazi, you've given me inspiration.

Since there never seems to be a separation for you people let's just make the assumption that you feel all meat is bad and we're all going to hell for eating any of it.  

Regardless of whether or not it's "factory farmed."  

You tend to deal in half-reasoned absolutes so that's how I'm going to address you...

Now, let's talk about those beleaguered chickens, cows and pigs shall we?

Yes, they're animals and yes I wouldn't be a very good butcher because they have eyes and would look at me.  If I had to do the deed to save my life, I'd likely starve to death.  The prospect of reducing one to it's constituent products is not something this society has raised me to deal with.

That stems mostly from the fact that I was born into a world with indoor plumbing and something other than animal skins and fig leaf jockstraps.

Let me be clear having said that.  That's no excuse for inhumane treatment of any living thing but let's get real here.  These keyboard ninjas swilling their fat-free smoothies and soy milk treat anyone that's ever visited a drive-thru like they were Jeffrey Dahmer.

Let's get this straight....

There's no such thing as a Free Range Chicken.  I mean really....

Do you think there's some golden, sunlit valley somewhere teaming with cackling hens dancing around crystal streams where they live out their happy days to a ripe old age?   

BS, they'd all starve to death in a week.

All Free-range means is that they don't get caged up.  That's a good thing but they're still destined for the dinner table.

They wander around aimlessly pecking the ground cackling and crapping.  Most of the time simultaneously.  They're dirty, ill tempered and unpleasant.

Pigs aren't much better.  It's been said that they supposedly have the mental equivalent of a 3 year old human child.  

Which explains the general hygiene of most 3 year old's.

Beef cattle, much like Chickens, exist to be eaten.  They, like Chickens, spend most of their day wandering around aimlessly grazing and crapping.  Without much regard for either other than continuing the acts.

I suppose identifying with 1000 pounds of manure factory is someone's idea of bliss but only if you think Tofu and plain yogurt taste like anything but ASS.   

I'm a realist and as such I am fully aware that all of these "endangered" livestock exist in nature for no reason OTHER than to be a meal for something else.  

This is how nature made them.  I'm no evolutionary biologist but I'm fairly certain that cows, sheep, pigs and chickens can trace the roots of their place in the food chain back to similarly situated ancestors.

Should we decry the fate of the Ant when the Anteater comes around?  The Mouse when the Cat catches him?

Just because they're cute doesn't elevate them above livestock.

I suppose Native Americans were monsters for killing Buffalo. 

Never mind they made use of virtually every part of the animal.  

"Barbarians!" you say.  "They should've been eating grass and leaves!"  (and maybe smoking some too!)

I don't put much faith into that biblical nonsense about "Man's dominion over the Earth."  I'm pretty sure nature gives you a few perks and you battle it out from there.

"What about the dinosaurs," you may say, "the largest were almost always herbivores!"

Yeah, they were and they didn't move very fast either.  Know why?  because the carnivores needed a steady food supply and rats on the forest floor weren't going to cut it.

They were beef cattle. 

Humans?  We're Omnivores.  Our bodies don't work right without a balance of both flora and fauna.

Sorry buddy, it's just how we're made and why all those Veggie Nazis always seem to look so sick.  

Yeah sure.  Point to those rail-thin Victoria Secret models prancing around.  All of them looking like they're in dire need of a sandwich with something other than air between their gluten-free bread.

That's not even an acceptable female body image these days.  So what about that Mr. Activist?   Promoting an unhealthy body image seems to me to be far worse.

The old adage of moderation in everything applies.  Some of this, some of that and things go much better.

Sure, there are 100+ year old vegetarians.  

They look like crap...

But to the point of this little piece...

The guilt-trip has to stop.  Spare me the evil eye while you're choking down your rice cakes and hand-raised soybean spread.  I'm perpetuating no evil.

You know damned well you want a burger. 

How do I know?

Because there's an entire industry that's grown up around your mania catering to your natural desire for balance.  A need for sustenance that doesn't normally end up in a lawn mower bag.  

Fake burgers, fries, ice cream, even milk.  

If you're so happy with twigs and leaves why do companies make millions producing soybean saturated stand-ins?

Get off your high horse.  Besides, did you ask it if it actually WANTED you on it's back?

Hypocrite!

You're not superior, you don't have all the answers, and you need to stop assaulting everyone with your absolutes.  Nobody will care about your cause if you alienate everybody.

Yes, treat animals humanely for God's Sake!  Just keep your condemnations to yourself if I choose a more traditional path.  

The two aren't incompatible.

Remember, Absolutes are for Sith Lords and Fascists.  

Don't be a Sith Lord.

Some favorite Onion bits to brighten your day...

Take a break!

Uber

Wolfenstein: New Order 2nd person mode

Fetal Position workers

Apple friend bars

Men, Sit your butt down!

WARNING!

This will be my most irreverent yet insightful post ever!

Here's the deal.

Men, you know you wish you had a urinal in your house.  I mean really now.  We spend far more time taking nature's call standing up than sitting down.  

Look at any public restroom and the first thing you notice is that the Men's room has located the urinals far more conveniently than the standard commode.

There's a reason.  

Urinals are quick, convenient and fit in with the male "go go" lifestyle of get in, get out and keep movin'!

Whereas the standard commode requires far more commitment.  Not only do you have to half disrobe to use it but overuse in public can bring into question your manliness.  After all, real men do their business on their feet not their ass!

But let's be practical here.  

Sure, out in public there's usually a convenient urinal available in the men's room (movie theater's usually have the highest ratio of urinal to commode BTW)

What about at home?

Let's face it guys, bathrooms are sexist...

I mean really now, how many times have you seen a urinal in a private home?  I'd wager even Donald Trump doesn't have one in his bathroom(s).

Yes, home conveniences are still stuck in the 50's where the idealized woman cared for the idealized home and the male just visited long enough to get some rest before returning to work for a spirited day of more manly pursuits.

I'm sure someone thought it was a compromise but when it comes right down to it the average commode is openly hostile to the male of the species....

Either the seat is sized wrong or it's virtually impossible to use the facility without making some degree of mess which left unattended will bring the wrath of the significant other/partner of the opposing sex.

This problem is compounded by the simple fact that once the male of the species has imbibed enough alcohol they are going to have a need to use the facility in a manner other than its principal design.


Here's the issue.  

No matter how hard we try, the male of the species will make a mess in the commode when  relieving themselves of liquids.

Therefore I submit that the stigma of being "girly" by sitting down to urinate be removed.  

Look guys, if you can't aim straight and you don't have a urinal then you just need to (literally) sit you ass down.

It will promote domestic harmony and sanitation.

Men, the world of sanitation is against us therefore we must adapt to conquer it!

Consider this the next time you head to the 
...ahem...head...

The disability of a narrow mind

Anyone who knows me well has heard me utter the phrase, "mediocrity is the standard" more than once and usually with disgust. 

So what do I mean by that?

To be blunt, the standard of mediocrity means blundering through life never attempting to do more than the bare minimum.  It's a fallback position that many in the working world spend their entire careers operating from. 

It usually happens when someone takes a position they may be qualified for but have no real interest in.  How such a person can rise to power when a more engaged candidate doesn't is usually indicative of a systematic problem within the organization.  In short, everyone up the management chain is similarly disinterested and will protect themselves from discovery.   

If one operates under the standard of mediocrity for a long enough period of time they eventually assume that it's the status quo.  This is the disability of the narrow mind within the context of employment.  Note that racism, elitism and other societal 'isms are similar in that all effectively cripple higher reasoning.

Thus we see the initial stages of the "dominos of disaster" when practitioners of the mediocrity standard run headlong into more engaged individuals.   

When confronted with a potential threat to the status quo of mediocrity, the disability becomes readily apparent.  It surfaces in confrontational behaviors and rejection of information not contained within their narrow focus even when compatible with stated organizational goals. 

In effect, the inability to think "outside the box" regardless of how beneficial the outcome will prevent the afflicted individual from acting reasonably.

If it sounds like a medical or psychological condition it is.  In fact it's pathological in an organizational sense.

This is the dilemma that the long term and formerly self employed face when interviewing with afflicted organizations.  Candidates with such a backgrounds are considered inferior and suspect regardless of experience, accomplishments or evidence to the contrary.

Take the example of the former self-employed consultant now interviewing for a regular full time position.  In this case the candidate may get through HR and lower level managers but find opposition from senior management.  Even before the first handshake is extended the candidate is already in a diminished position.

Overcoming the condition is virtually impossible as any concession the candidate asserts is assumed to be suspect if not disingenuous.   The only recourse for the candidate is to try to frame their qualifications within the narrow context of the organizational pathology.

At this point it's usually a pointless exercise to proceed any further since the organizational dysfunction curtails higher reasoning and shortens attention spans.  This is most blatantly evidenced by repeated questioning about the same topic, yawning and in some cases snoring.

Unfortunately, most organizations suffer the affliction and have even elevated it to a de facto mission statement.  It's a common pathogen meaning you're going to encounter a lot of it in the corporate world regardless of your job function. 

If you do encounter such an organization (and you will) and still  wish to persist in your efforts to join it you can employ the following tactics.  Note that they will likely be unsuccessful but more productive than attempting to alert the afflicted to their condition.

• ·         Lie -  You can hope they won't check your background and enter the organization with stealth if not outright deception.  With the easy access to information and most organizations requiring a formal background check it's likely you won't succeed past the first interview.  If the organization is dysfunctional enough, however, they may respond well to a cleverly crafted deception. 
• ·         Debate- This tactic will likely have even less of a chance of success than deception but at least you'll be comforted in the knowledge that you were completely truthful.  The tactic involves countering objections to your qualifications by crafting your responses to fit the narrow focus of the afflicted organization.  For example, when confronted with a concern about work ethic especially if your career consists primarily of self employment try this.  Assert the merits of personal responsibility and client satisfaction necessary to run a successful small business.  It also wouldn't hurt to mention that you're a firm believer in trickle-down economics and would jump at the chance to be standing on the bottom rung with awaiting arms outstretched.  Keep in mind, however, that afflicted organizations and their management have limited capability to engage in higher reasoning so keep your responses short and at roughly the 6th grade level.
• ·         Violence - Only useful if the prospects of arrest and incarceration hold no fear for you. 
• ·         Submission - In short, be an apologist for your entire career and essentially "throw yourself on the mercy of the court."  In a severely afflicted organization with candidates less qualified than yourself this may be the most effective tactic.  Be aware, however, that should you secure the position you will likely find it unfulfilling.  Still, the knowledge that mediocre performance is the status quo may eventually make your stay more tolerable.  Beware the danger of becoming infected with the Disability of the Narrow mind, however, as it will alter you on a cellular level.  Then again, once infected you will likely become anesthetized to its ill effects and become blissfully unaware of it.  This is especially true if  the position offers a good prescription drug program.
• ·         Defiance - This is similar to the Violence option above except the authorities aren't involved.  It's not so much a display of emotional outbursts as an attempt to make the hiring manager feel stupid.  The desired outcome of this tactic is to temporarily shock management out of their disability by forcing undeniable logic on them.  Your ultimate goal is to convince the hiring manager that you are the change needed to further organizational goals.  Unfortunately, this tactic has only been shown to work in the movie Office Space.

In short, afflicted organizations should be avoided if at all possible.  Otherwise damage to your career and possibly your psyche could result.

Fun with an I.T. Job Search

Like a lot of folks in I.T. I've been pounding the pavement looking for a steady paycheck for awhile now.  So just like all the other millions of job seekers out there I have profiles on all the job boards, apply to daily listings and have a list of recruiters as long as my arm. 

Of course with the wheat always comes the chaff.  In this case it comes in the form of what I like to call "the resume stacker".  Resume stackers are recruiters usually from employment firms who gain clients by first shot gunning a potential opening (note the word 'potential')to a group of candidates gleaned from sites like Monster.com and CareerBuilder.  They utilize tools like resume scrapers to grab keywords so the job they're pushing usually has nothing to do with your skills. 

Hey, the more the merrier right? At least someone thinks I'm qualified!

Except that's not what's going on.  These "stackers" are just trying to collect resumes that they will in turn use to woo a client that may or may not have a real opening.  In the meantime the "stacker" will put the potential candidate through all the machinations of a job application but offer little to no communication afterward. 

Now I'm not saying ALL recruiters are bad, on the contrary some are genuinely interested in helping you but the guys who resume stack have a much higher profile and are the ones you're most likely to run into.

My skills lie primarily in the arena of Windows System administration and server support in smaller organizations.  So opportunities in that context are always of interest to me.  So why is that I get UNIX/AIX administration, Software coding and RF Microwave engineer?

It's the scraper again.  It's indiscriminate and completely autonomous.  The Unix jobs? because somewhere in my resume I may have had to reboot a Linux box once.  The software coding? because I used a scripting tool for Windows Administration once.  The RF Microwave engineer?  I have no idea, maybe the scraper thinks Wi-Fi is done with Microwaves. 

I get a lot of these, mostly from out of state firms that might as well be telemarketers.  They usually have strange names like Masood and Kailash.  Not only have they completely missed the target with jobs I'm not remotely qualified for but when you look at the pay rate you know they have no clue about what the local market will bear for the ones that do match.

For example, I recently had one of these stackers send me a listing for a technical support position.  Aside from technical requirements I didn't meet the position was priced way above market rates.  A high hourly wage is a hook designed to snag your resume.  Don't fall for it, remember what they say about a deal that seems too good to be true.  Remember it's not about you it's about the guy who sent the email. 

After awhile I get annoyed with these guys filling up my inbox with broken promises so I try to get rid of them.   Experience has taught me that these pitchmen will never do anything for me anyway so why not blow off a little steam.  Who knows? Maybe it'll make them switch to a more honorable profession like used car sales.

What follows is an email transcript from one of my interactions with a particularly pesky "stacker" who likes to fill my inbox with garbage.  Names and contact info have been removed to protect the stupid...

Incidental commentary is highlighted in yellow and black.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ok Here’s my info..

I doubt you’ll be representing me to anybody....

Job details:

Job Title: Technical Support Engineer 

(AKA the I.T. Catchall because they don't know either)

Duration: 5 Months

Location: Tempe AZ

Rate 31 / hr. on w2 

(This is about $6/hr over the top end of the market, never happen here)

Job Description:

Responsibilities

Resolve customer reported issues while working closely with the Engineering, SE and other cross functional teams and provide feedback to the Engineering for improving the product quality and reliability
Ensure that the work performed meets the quality within acceptable time schedules and meets the customer commitments while working with the Technical Support team members and management, Engineering and other cross functional teams
Ensure that customers are treated with highest degree of respect and drive operational excellence through quality closures and proper escalation of issues
Work closely with ...blah blah blah....
Willing to work evenings and/or weekends
blah blah blah.... calmness and composure.

Answers needed by the client ::

1. What do you know about this company’s products and services?

Nothing, don’t care

2. Tell me about your previous work experience providing technical support?

I like to abuse the caller

3. What are your strengths and weaknesses when interacting with customers?

Strength, know how to turn off phone ringer, weakness, forgetting to turn it off...

4. Do you consider yourself a team player and why?

F*** teams, just a way to become chief scapegoat for morons...

5. Tell me about a time that you helped resolve a particularly difficult customer issue.

I went to their desk and made them cry

6. Technical Support is a fast paced environment – you will be constantly busy and may often work concurrent transactions. Explain/share how your previous experience has prepared you for this type of work pace.

Your emergency is not my emergency so shut up..

7. Candidates must be able to successfully answer technical questions regarding SQL, MAC OS, MS Exchange

Yeah, aside from being an a**hole I’m also incompetent in these areas

That should do nicely, you should have a crystal clear picture of my qualifications for the position..

Thanks & Regards

TWIT Webcam fun

I'm a webcam noob so I find the oddities of video recording amusing.  An example..

This was taken with my webcam at the base of my Plasma TV during the TWIT live podcast on Sunday April 8, 2012.  Guests were Patrick Norton, Rafe Needleman and IYAZ Akhtar with Leo Laporte the host.

All in good fun..

Enjoy