Heart wide open Eyes firmly shut Not with reason but faith in...what? Faith in the unspoken a feeling shared Faith in a union but no armor to a heart bared Fool or hero, neither or both A trust given not earned on little more than hope What could I do but gather more lines for another sad tome of a union denied My shadows her demons both tainting the air So much promise, so much hope but no fruit to bear Her love restrained so shackled by shadows Mine given freely but fearing the gallows The day is over the night draws first breath At the well of the unrequited again I mourn love's death
I mourn the truth more that two couldn't be united I mourn one last time and for a moment, delighted. For what it was, so much to me even for a little while. At times the memory still brings a smile There's no shame that to love I surrendered That she woke a still heart with stirred embers But now I am done and alone is no burden What I seek lives not here, of this she is certain Give to me now a moment of grace even if strength shows not on a tortured face The heart burns strong but seeks not another to know love is to be love and that needs no other.
It seems that sadness is a powerful muse for me... Much of what I've committed to these pages has come from places of sadness. Anger, injustice and disgust are in there too. It's not easy to push away the insecurity, fear and doubt. My past is littered with them as no doubt is yours. Someone suggested things long gone that can no longer hurt me hold sway because of some degree of neurosis. I've often said that we are prisoners of our experience. To give it power is to fulfill its prophecies. What does that mean? I often make the mistake of assuming that others think as I do, I place weight in things that others don't. Perhaps an analogy would serve to explain it better. You know me, the king of analogies... :-) Imagine a waiter in a busy restaurant as he tends to his patrons. It's important that the patrons are served what they want, the way they want it, in a timely manner. But something is strange about this waiter.
First, when taking the order he repeats it back to the customer 4 times to ensure he got it right.
Second, when he takes the order to the kitchen he hands a copy of the recipe to the cook to ensure the meal is prepared properly.
Third when it's time to deliver the order he takes with him extra plates, silverware and glasses just in case.
Fourth, when he finally delivers the meal he hangs around the table watching the diner eat the meal looking for any sign of displeasure. If such an event were to occur he would instantly spring into action in an attempt to save himself from the barbs of an angry customer.
Thing is... With all this attention the very thing he hoped to avoid has come about. Let's go through the list again.
First, nobody likes to talk to waiters that long, The first thing that comes to most people's minds in such a scenario is that the waiter either thinks they're stupid or he's just a pretentious jerk. Not winning friends and influencing people there.
Second, A waiter telling a cook how to prepare a meal isn't going to go well...nuff said.
Third, Worrying about every possible horrible thing that can go wrong between the kitchen and the table only makes more unnecessary work You've accomplished nothing and probably won't make it through a full shift because you're so tired of carrying half the kitchen cabinet with you all night.
Fourth, This waiter is preparing for a disaster that hasn't even shown up on the radar yet. This is probably the worst of the four because the waiter is giving power to a negative expectation.
Worst, if something bad does happen it only proves to validate his fears. The Self-Fulfilling prophecy is complete. What was a normal day waiting tables has turned into every horrible thing that can be imagined exactly because of the power we gave to fear. So why would someone act this way? Some would call it neurotic and the scenario above is a pretty good representation of it. But where does the behavior come from? Again, we look to our past, to our experiences. What we find there may be trauma, tragedy and pain that's burrowed deep into our souls. It's easy to say, "just let it go" but a lifetime of experiences like this can form behaviors. In my own experience I've had times where I was what my grandmother would call a "crepe hanger"
Crepe hangers were folks back in the old days that would decorate funeral parlors. The body would literally still be warm when they would spring into action with their less than festive decor. It means, looking for catastrophe where none exists. I know that at least in some part I've done this and created self-fulfilling prophecies that only reinforce a neurotic tendency. I, like most people, seek calm and a sense of security leading me to defend against anything that appears to threaten the bliss. The issue is that all that defense can end up much like our waiter up there. Good intentions, bad outcomes that only reinforce the crepe-hanging tendency. Worry is something I learned early on. Perhaps it comes from being raised by a depression-era grandmother who always operated from a place of lack. Perhaps it was an early childhood that made me all too aware of how scary and cold the world could be. Now in my later years I do struggle to give at least as much power to the light as is so easily given to the dark. Sometimes I'm fine and sometimes fear and insecurity grip me. I often say, "I hate always being right" In those times I know I've probably just completed another self-fulfilling prophecy. Yes, things have gone down the wrong path more than I'd like them to and I'm aware I have a part to play in it. Nothing happens without our participation. Nothing happens in a vacuum either. We all affect each other and respond to each other' s energy. I just happen to be more sensitive than most and it causes me problems. Problems that feed a monster that delights in manifesting dark prophecies. Keeping the monster at bay requires sorting reality from prophecy and that requires a change of perspective. After all, if you start something looking for an ending then that's all you will achieve. I'm tired of endings...
Sadness is a willing muse. The words flow easily from pain like a fresh wound. I'm not who I was but the comfort of his prison still beckons. How easy to retreat to my own exile. How comfortable the lie of a well-worn facade. How terrifying to leave behind the cage forged in my mind. The comfort of resignation. The solace of denial. The wages of despair from the toil of a fool. Time to change my occupation. Time to stop hedging bets never placed. Time to practice what we preach. I'm open to the world, I ask nothing but its performance. Throw away the scales, love isn't measured, it's given. The connection is there it asks nothing but to be. It demands nothing but your attention. The night sky, cold void or open window. I see the light not the darkness now. I seek only what is given. I demand nothing and delight in everything.
The door closes behind as I step through.
Nothing behind serves anymore save the lessons that brought me here.
"Overqualified" for a job that's a perfect fit....
Being "Too Nice"
We're encouraged to do the right thing but often punished for doing just that. I've found that all too often being reliable, nice and accommodating had gotten me many pats on the back but little progress forward.
It's just not the world we live in. You can be everyone's friend and confidant but ultimately end up the world's doormat.
That's fine if you're Mother Theresa and have a Nobel Prize waiting for you but the rest of us are unlikely to rise to such lofty heights of perceived selflessness. Oh and by the way, even Mother Theresa had a strong sense of self-preservation. She freely accepted medical care but denied any such relief to those dying in hospice.
There's a paradox, a life devoted to ending suffering...most of the time.
OK so she was human after all but for the rest of us unlikely to be elevated to posthumous sainthood what's the point?
For me it just seems natural to want to help but where to draw the line. I have a problem with saying no to all but the most extreme conditions of self-preservation.
My reward for such contorted altruism is something I frequently have to make excuses for.
I'm no saint. I'm not perfect but I do always try to understand the other side and in this world that seems to be an anathema.
Killer Instincts and assertiveness, regardless of who gets hurt, are the keys to success.
The other option is just a perversion of the "nice guy" in the guise of the "Yes Man" that acts as doormat in hopes of sneaking up the ranks.
That's just passive aggression. I'm not about that.
So I suppose my societal fit is a bit off. I only get pissed off when faced with the reality of my station as disposable because of it. I know I'm not some unworthy scrap with an overheated sense of fairness. I am, however, overly concerned with everyone else being happy. I'm not self-aggrandizing here BTW, It's something that has not served me.
So be it, I can't and won't be something I'm not. The payoff isn't worth it.
I do have limits even if they seem generous but don't be surprised if I "push back" when you eventually run headlong into my lowest levels of self-preservation. Everybody does it, eventually.
I'm still a nice guy but I'm working on being less and less of a doormat.
The trick is not to become less and less human. The definition of which is less than attractive for all those "winners" out there.
I'll reiterate this once more. These posts are points in time. That doesn't change the meaning or the truth in them but every day brings new thoughts, new decisions and new clarity. So here's another entry into the journal. I'm aware of the sadness and disappointment in my life. I'm in touch with it, I own it, I understand it. That I react so strongly doesn't mean I've given up, that I'm going to stop trying, that I believe things will always be this way. Perspective is important but sometimes the lens is clouded and I end up groping around in the dark. During those times all I can do is try to understand where all this crap is coming from. I don't deny my feelings, that's just lying to yourself. Lying never sits well with me: made worse when I'm forced into a lie of omission. When things are left unsaid because airing them exposes dark places in others that they don't want to own. When feelings are bottled up and shoved down. To lie to myself about what I know and feel to keep the peace. The question is: Is it a peace worth keeping? Is it worth shackling your soul just for the hope that "If I just wait it out" things will get better? Will someday bring freedom? Someday is now kids... If you feel like you have to deny your own intuition, your own deepest held beliefs just to be accepted then I submit that whatever you're seeking approval from isn't the right place for you to be. We all must suffer to learn. That is the human condition. Remaining in suffering, however, is not. I express what I feel and eventually I can release it. I can have bitter disagreements with people but I know that it's a temporary state. I will always extend a hand and open my heart if the will is there. That doesn't mean I'm OK with being taken advantage of but being human I know that I don't always do the right thing and sometimes my decisions aren't based on my better angels. We all do that. What I will NOT do is allow myself to be defined by someone else's prejudice, bias or intolerance. I will NOT sacrifice myself for anyone who isn't willing to do the same. I've got a lot to offer, there's nothing wrong with me and I'm capable of great things. ...and I know... Those that choose to deny the pettiness of a societal premise that says we are more different than the same. That look beyond this tiny spec of time and see the larger canvas. That refuse to let fear, indoctrination and ignorance rule them. Those are my friends. Those are my people. And even if I must walk my path alone, I believe that if that is the core of my being.... I can't be that unique in the world. I will NOT let anyone take that from me. I don't claim that I'm always right, that I'm perfect or that I alone have the answer. I just won't allow anyone to project on me that which they refuse to deal with in their own heart. It's up to you to NOT be lazy and listen to what you know to be right instead of what you THINK to be right. Love doesn't require thinking. It just is....or it isn't. I will NOT make it more complicated than that. What will you do? C'mon...I dare you. I dare you to reach beyond the grand facade of expectation, entitlement and fated outcomes. I dare you to be more. I dare you...
Destination Unknown... More fun that way. I'm not looking for answers or worried about long term plans. I almost killed my present by letting my past dictate the future. I was none the wiser... Take the step and just let the journey unfold. Things have been strange the past few days having shook up what was my version of normal. Not that I was that happy with it. Not that what I've been doing the past few years was that fulfilling. The more we try to isolate ourselves the more we fail. I know this...I know nothing about a lot of things and slowly rediscovering that which I'd thought I'd never learned. Is the Formula fixed?
No, still on the side of the garage. Still gonna cost a mint to fix.
Did I get a raise? A cool new job?
Nope, just an opportunity to practice what I preach and I'm glad I could be true to it. So... Is anything exactly as I wanted it? No... But I see evidence of the divine in the way things have unfolded lately. Credit where its due. Thank you I'm finding more reward in loosening the reigns a bit. The desire is the same but the path is its own concern. Let the destination remain unknown. The journey teaches. I've been on this path for awhile now I just strayed off it for a bit.
I picked this particular video not just for the sound quality which I admit could be better but for the lyrics set in time to it.
In case you haven't noticed, the past few posts have had music videos embedded in them that either match the tone of what I'm trying to say or the message. Sometimes both.
This one is a little scary but the truth always is.
I kind of feel like the guy who'd be singing this song. I mean other than Phil Collins. I meant it figuratively. Try to stay with me here...
I guess if I was feeling that way I should take the hint...Which is kind of the point of the song.
OK, I'll pause for the group DUH!
Go ahead, I'll wait...
<tap> <tap> <tap> (sound of my impatient foot)
Thing is, I've been around long enough to know that I've never gotten anywhere by just giving up.
Especially when things like assumptions, expectations and fear are involved.
...and they all have been.
You end up in this place.
Hell, I ended up at this place...
WE, all of us, end up in this kind of place not because of anything WE did. All the arguing, blame, mistrust is just symptomatic.
Fear
That's why we're here. Fear robs the future, clouds the present and denies reason. Fear stays with you until you face it. It lives in the shadows coiled like a serpent waiting to strike.
But the serpent has no fangs other than those you provide.
To give up is easy. Just tell yourself it's the other person's fault and pat those self-fulfilling prophecies on the back as you sow the seeds of regret.
Regret loves a quitter.
To resolve to try even if it means putting it in God's hands is hard.
So here's what I'm going to do.
I'm going to be who I am. I'm going to be true to myself no matter what. I'm not making assumptions, reading between any lines or expecting anything.
Most importantly, I won't quit on anything or anybody I believe in.
And yes, sometimes that means stepping out of the picture for awhile when they need space. If they need me I'm there.
The only failure is to betray that and I'll be damned if I'll make my life any harder than it already is.
I've said it before, I won't be set up to fail...by anyone
...including myself.
Which means I'm not entertaining any more turmoil, any more doubt, any more regrets.
Regret is about the path not taken. A child of fear and an embrace of the shadows.
If I don't know that I've done all that I could do then I reap the harvest of regret.
If I try and fail there's no shame so long as I tried.
So let's get back to the context of this post.
I go all in. I have to. I've got to know that I am doing and have done all I can do to succeed. Even if it looks like I'm not doing much, I'm just leaving an opening.
Sometimes you've just got to leave some room for the divine.
So no matter what, there is and will be no regret here.
Before we get started let me preface this post... I happened to be sampling all the bad relationship advice found on the Internet with all the same tired stereotypes and psychotic reasoning that goes along with it.
...and it pissed me off...
It's not meant to be directed at any one person but rather a spectrum of people in my and others experience.
I just had an epiphany or more accurately had it again. I just remembered why I gave up on romantic relationships for the past decade or so... You see, in the context of relationships I'm pretty much "The Nice Guy." Which for both sexes pretty much puts the "sucker" brand on my forehead... Screw your brands... I've had it. I've had it with the games, the bad advice, the lies and the excuses. I've had a front row seat to and been in enough of my own relationships to see just how much BS goes on. The subjugation of the self, the lies, the denial. All for the greater glory of bragging rights over your "unattached" friends. "Oh god, you haven't been regularly dating? What's wrong with you? That's not normal...Oh I know this great..." Screw you... I choose not to because I prefer quality over quantity and as an ADULT I know what to look for without wearing out my mattress to figure it out. I don't get involved with anyone for any reason other than I think they're worth it. PERIOD. Can you say as much? Are your standards as high or do you just put up with whatever douchebag/bitch that comes along to convince yourself that you're "normal." Your "normal" is sick... The number 1 relationship tip is to love yourself first. If you're putting yourself through all that crap just to measure up to the status quo you can't like yourself much, let alone love... Crap like... The "chase," how women love the chase... Chase this... If your only validation is that someone actually WANTS to get your attention that's a pretty low bar. So you overcompensate and set up a bunch of "rules" that might as well be built on the shifting sands of some hurricane battered beach. "Oh, he calls and texts too much. He's too needy...." Even if it's a couple times a week a disinterested woman can blow it up to the proportions of "constant."
Now I admit this could be a reach (not) but just maybe your new "friend" is wondering why you suddenly dropped off the end of the Earth. Be honest for a change and just admit you either don't have time or don't have any interest. Relationships have 2 sides. It's not "needy" if you're actually interested in someone though now is it? Be honest, if you can. No, never mind. You can't. Men aren't the only ones with double standards... If you had any real interest at all you'd be obsessing that he wasn't contacting you enough. "He took 40 minutes to respond to my text! Why doesn't he like me!" Let me clue you in. A guy that's interested in you is going to take any opportunity to talk to you regardless of whether he's a "nice guy." If you give him your number you're signalling that you're OK with it. Don't like it? Don't give it to him till you actually WANT to talk to him on a regular basis or heaven forbid stop thinking we can read minds and just say so. "I don't even talk to my friends every day." Uh, yeah, yeah you do. At least in the beginning. That's how they became your friends. Otherwise you would never have gotten to know them. I've got friends going back 30 years that I regularly contact. Not as much these days because, well.... We know each other now. How did that happen? We hung out a lot. Sometimes every day! Friendships aren't metered like minutes on a mobile plan. Neither are romantic relationships. People get to know each other by hanging out and talking. They don't have to adhere to some BS schedule with acceptable hours and frequency because they already KNOW you and what's acceptable. That happens because people who like each other actually want to spend time together not just endure it. Otherwise you might as well be scheduling an appointment with a repairman. You gonna hang out with butt-crack guy? Maybe consider the marriage potential? Grow up... What are we? A bunch of 5 year olds on the playground? Perhaps I should dip your pigtails in the inkwell then. That is how little boys used to show they liked a girl at that age...I guess they just like their Facebook page now. What a bunch of bullshit. Yes, it's wonderful when a relationship is new and you're feeling each other out. Although it seems that nowadays it's more like the real measure of "romance" is how fast you can feel each other up. For men, the quicker the better for women it's how long they can hold him off. Congratulations, you've graduated to high school groping in the back seat of mom's Prius. How ironic. How hypocritical... A guy that's honest and upfront is "weak and needy." While captain Douchebag could be a lying prick, you can't get your mind off the wedding invitations and your 2.3 kids. What a load...
Then when he dumps you, abuses you, cheats or otherwise trashes your life you're mystified at how this "great guy" could have done you so wrong. Here's a hint.. You picked him. Eyes firmly shut. You based your decision on what you wanted instead of what you knew. This goes for guys too by the way... Expectations again. Unspoken demands. They will ALWAYS FAIL YOU. Want less heartbreak? How about actually appreciating honesty when it's offered instead of the hollow shell you hold up. There's nothing that takes more courage for a man than admitting he loves another person. Nothing. We're even more terrified than you are of having our feelings betrayed. By the way I mean REAL LOVE, not just saying the word to get into your pants.
Even the Macho asshole types are just scared little boys inside that don't want to be hurt. The most unstable, insecure and immature men are the ones that treat women like garbage. If you're OK being treated like garbage then don't be surprised when you get dumped.
Otherwise stop bagging on the "Nice Guys." Respect, attention and consideration are not abnormal behaviors but your reaction to them is. Live up to your own standards and maybe the fucking divorce rate will finally drop.
