A tortured hour

It's 3:34 AM....

The house is dark but then the house is always dark to me even in the middle of the day.

It's hot, too hot.  The thermometer says it's 88 degrees outside but in here it's closer to 100.  Why? I can't afford to turn the AC on.  Such luxuries are for other people.

Madness! a Phoenix summer where the weatherman cheerily announces weeks of 110 degree plus days. No escape, no money for a reprieve from the heat.  No comforts...

Things haven't been so good.  The refrigerator's almost  always empty and what little is there provides meager nourishment for body or soul.  Everything around me seems somehow broken.  Things that should have long since been discarded forced past their prime, patched together and pressed back to service until they can finally give no more.

Broken...

For five years it's been a tough row to hoe.  It's never been easy but this time it's harder.  I know, it's been that way for many but I'm most familiar with my own tribulations.  

Excuse the pain if you've heard it before...

It's the kind of thing that makes you hate television, especially the commercials.  Constant nagging about things nobody really cares about all with the promise of taking your woes away...for a price.

A price I can no longer afford which makes me hate them even more.  It's like being mocked, the proverbial carrot inevitably followed by the stick.  I don't hate them for selling their wares; I hate them for the assumption that I don't know any better.

Buy this car and save money on gas, Enroll in that diploma mill and have a brighter future.  Neither is true and I've got close to 100K of debt to prove it with nothing to show but the collection letters.  The worst part, they sell a lifestyle with expensive trappings but little meaning.

When did becoming a member of the middle class become a lifelong aspiration?  When did simple civilized survival become a goal?

It's 3:44 AM...

Something's rattling on the car, I know what it is, I know every sound it can make but all I can do is hope that it remains little more than an audible annoyance...

Comfort is a luxury.  There is no peace in my surroundings or my soul. 

Middle aged, underestimated, dismissed, hopeless but still defiant!

Pull myself up by the bootstraps!  But I have no boots...

Never cared for that analogy anyway.  It's a fallacy perpetrated by those who never knew the predicament.

Opportunity is made not found but opportunity doesn't happen in a vacuum but lately it seems I do.

Whose fault?  Mine I suppose.  But then far more worthy than I have a similar tale.  We can't all be wrong.

What can I do?  For myself, I'll try anything that doesn't risk the little that remains.  Is it enough?

Time will tell, but do I have the time? 

It's 4:00AM

Do something, do anything.  Unbridled ambition thwarted by petty finances.  Do I believe in myself? Am I all that I thought I once was?

Not a high bar, humility or more appropriately the edge of self-loathing has always been a companion.  Ego and hubris have no place.  But neither did confidence.  I rarely win so I refuse the gamble.

This isn't the life I planned or should I say any of the lives I've planned.  I've started over so many times but always end up in the same place. 

Here...

Keep trying, keep striving all the time fearful of losing the little bit I have left even if I hate the prison it creates.

Do I have time to try again?

It's 4:16AM

Damn! it's hot in here.  The winters are better but I still can't afford the heat.  I sit in the remains of my chair, it too is broken, drenched in my own filthy perspiration the only comfort being the memory of it that will come when I can see my breath waking on some January morning.

Not defeated, not giving up but lost.

How do I move forward?  What's the key? 

4:23 AM

Recruiters, agencies, headhunters.  Hardly better than TV commercials.  Promises not kept, selling a bill of goods only for their own ends.  The product doesn't match the consumer, no sale.

Still I try, find the needle, ignore the haystack...

My own pursuits?  On virtue success, on paper, failure. 

I never wanted to do anything that didn't matter to someone.  It seems that's a dying...virtue.

It's 4:24 AM

Everything still seems broken.  I look around me and see so much that could be done.  I want to fix it, I want to fix me...

I'm not in a vacuum. Others suffer for my affliction.  I want to fix that too.

Keep trying, keep looking, deny the doubt...

Fix it...

It's 4:34AM

Never give yourself the opportunity to do nothing.

At times I get annoyed with myself.  Maybe I didn't get the house cleaned up or the car washed, it doesn't matter.  It's not the thing that I should have done so much as I didn't do it when given the opportunity.

Which is my point.

When you've got a lot of down time it's tempting to just resign yourself to a lifestyle of procrastination.  After all, there's always tomorrow right?

So isn't it strange that when our lives are consumed with the demands of career and family that what we wish for the most is free time.  Then when we have it, we squander it.

It's human nature to adapt to our environment so it's no surprise that when we're busy we tend to stay that way and when we're not...

Newton's third law comes into play here.  Just as it's hard to stop a speeding train without a lot of effort the same can be said for getting it going.

The problem is that trains aren't people and while the long term effects of a train sitting idle can be corrected rather quickly, idle people take a bit more of a push.

It's far too easy to just lie around and put things off.  After awhile we go from relaxation to atrophy.

That's not a good thing.  The deeper we descend into inaction the more dire the consequences.  Things pile up and as they do you feel worse about them.

The distance between disappointment and depression is dangerously small.  Like anything else a condition left untreated won't improve on its own.

So I'd suggest that instead of bringing that train to a stop to watch the weeds grow around it that you at least try to keep it in motion even if you can't crank it up to full throttle.

Speaking of weeds, I bet there's some that need pulling or a floor that needs washing.  It doesn't matter what you do so long as your engaged with something other than your sofa.

I've seen it in myself and my friends.  That awful limbo between jobs or projects can work on you like an ice cube on a hot sidewalk. 

So if you're an IT guy maybe it's time to populate one of those VM's with the latest Linux distro.  Turn wrenches for a living?  I'm positive there's a neighbor that could use some help.  Maybe even deal with those weeds that mock you as you try to enjoy your morning coffee.  No matter what you do, the simple act of doing it pays dividends that far surpass the task.

The only people who are meant to do nothing spend all their time in a box, they're called corpses.

Messages to a resume stacker

I get a lot of email messages.

Since I'm in the job market I get most of them from recruiters.
In this economy you'd think that was a good thing but it isn't always.

I work with a few decent recruiters who know better than to waste my time but it seems they are in the minority.  What I get most of the time is fly by night operators usually a day late and a dollar short making empty promises.

These are the "Resume Stackers"  or recuriters that collect a large quantity of resumes to try to fool a potential employer into thinking they're offering something they don't really have.  Most just scan monster.com job listings for promising openings and dig up the phone number to HR.

The first tip-off to a "stacker" is jobs that don't match your background and that nobody in their right mind would even consider you for.  They usually have a tag line at the end that says something like:

"If you or someone you know would be a good fit please send us your information"

That means they didn't pay the recuriter fee to be able to access candiate information for DICE, Monster or Careerbuilder, They have no idea who you are as they can only see publicly accessible information likely provided to them in the same manner as those services that provide sales leads for specific zip codes.

I suppose it could be fun to be submitted for a CEO's job if you were a landscaper but not likely to be productive.  That and your chances would be better by just sending your resume on your own.

It's the reason why you see so many job listings that say "No agency referrals"  That means they've been buried by the "Stackers" and got sick of it.

I've taken to doing more than just adding them to my junk email filter.  I encourage them to seek alternate career paths.  Here's a recent email response to a job I had absolutely no qualification for...

Feel free to use my response at the end as a form email response, just replace Resume Stacker with the stacker's name. It's constructed as a form email for both candidate and employer use.

Excerpt of Email I received:
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Hi,

My name is "Resume Stacker" and I'm a Staffing Specialist at Resume Stacker Intl., a Global IT Services & Staffing Company. We are constantly on the lookout for professionals to fulfil the staffing needs of our clients, and we currently have an Opportunity that I thought may interest you. Enclosed below are the details:

Client: We really don't care inc.

Job Title: MS Infrastructure Manager

Location: Somewhere at least 1000 miles from where we are.

Type: Direct Placement

Job Description

SUMMARY STATEMENT:

As a member of the Enterprise Infrastructure leadership team, the Manager, Windows Administration/Engineering plays an important role in helping to define the direction for the team and enabling the technology demands of the business. Drives and manages platform and/or service lifecycles in alignment with We really don't care inc. vision and strategy with a service-oriented, solutions-focused, and progressive approach. Manages the development, deployment and management of enterprise-level Windows operating systems.

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My Response:

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Resume Stacker, you sir/madam are what we in the consulting business call a resume stacker. What that means is that you collect dozens of resumes after getting wind of a possible opening somewhere then shotgun them at the HR department of your target company. The most contact you have with the client is an email and you could give a damn less about the people you submit.

I can prove that from this very email. You've simply scraped my resume/job listing off Monster.com looking for keywords without even reviewing my qualifications/reruirements. In short, you're not qualified to represent me or anyone else to this company/candidate. By the way, this very job was posted a month ago, I watch job listings too. It’s old information and I really don't appreciate being lied to. Yes Resume Stacker, even a half truth makes one a liar.

In fact, Resume Stacker,  I get so many email messages like yours every week seeking to waste my time that I think I should go into the recruiting business myself. It’s apparent that there are far too many unqualified individuals like yourself out there further complicating an already complicated process.

Now I'm going to add you to my junk email filter confident that the only thing I'm missing out on by ignoring any further communication from you is disappointment and rage focused in your general direction.

Try to have a good day, Resume Stacker and please consider another career, you're not helping anyone in this one.