Whose voice?

I've seen the darkness within the light

I've seen the dawn beneath the night

I've heard the voices from places well known

I've allowed seeds planted but they're not my own

The war rages between past and now

The desire and passion obscured somehow

Believe what I see or what I've seen

Belief in something in between

So much in my heart it's hard to know

So much in my head tempting me so

A kind of madness that destroys the soul

A love so deep that none could know

Embracing the light that begs to be seen

But vulnerable to those dark times in between

Voices demanding to be heard

Manifesting doubts of the wholly absurd

Weak from this pointless battle, ready to fall

But for her I stand and risk it all

Whether I stand on the mount or crumple to the ground

The path leads where the voices can make no sound

In this I am fool or prophet

It is for us to know

Silence the voices, they come from dark places below

As it goes

There are things I should be doing....

They're not getting done....

Things in need of attention...

But my thoughts are drawn to one...


I need to stop thinking about this, busy myself with the mundane...

Tend to those things safe, measurable and plain...

What the hell am I thinking?  Where am I going with this?

Is there an outcome any different from the others?

Or am I addicted to an imagined bliss?

I've written of it before but now I feel the wiser.

The heart strains to take flight but the mind screams louder...

"Nothing here for you, why do you persist?"

Why?  You foolish analytical child!

Because life was better lived when such a foolish heart was wild....

Better when the tangible held little value...

Better when survival was measured in a shared gaze

Your baubles and trinkets, your empty expressions of pomp.


A manufactured reality, a facade dissipating in a haze.

I've felt, I've known this truth that I ache to share...

But even alone a burden I'm blessed to bear.

I'd give my life to bring the impossible for her.

Even if all in vain...

But Foolish man, shouldn't you be asking...would she do the same?

No matter calculating child.  The heart trumps the brain...

To love another is to love the world even if it brings pain.

I will,
I can,
I do

and  know what I feel will remain.

My heart never empty, my faith never drained.

But the tear can come now and then when thoughts of wishes unmet.

When pangs of sorrow mix with sadness and regret.

And even then in my darkest I will praise the day.

When I felt that  which no words can do justice.

When for that moment the heart would have it's say.

Money

"Get a good job with more pay and you're OK"

That's what it's all about.

Money

Solver of all the tribulations of a civilization.

Fame, friends, flattery....

All bought with the stuff.

I lust after it too.  I need things otherwise out of reach without it.

Things needed to continue the chase for it.

I'm denied life in its absence.

I'm judged by my accumulation of it.

My happiness a function of it.

So wrong.

Not a tool, a master...

So many promises, so many possibilities, so easy for some.

Never easy for me.  

Sociopath, Greed, Selfishness,  all kindred to it.

Communist?  Hardly, the stench of the beast without benefit of the struggle.

But the struggle.

My value defined by it. 

My simple desires outstretched by the need to retain my soul.

My idealistic philosophy beaten down by its lack of a listing on the NYSE

Do your best and the rewards come naturally

Naive

The rewards come only to those undeserving, without conscience.

I've known rich people...They give nothing without a profit motive.

More is all that is enough.

Modest desires, modest means, meaningless dividends.

Altruism, humanity, love....

Stained with the prerequisite of liquidity.

Peace of mind never a reality.

Even those with more can never rest.

Those with less never rest for want of more.

My value my own.

Meaningless to the rest.

Something's wrong here.

Generosity of spirit subjugated by generosity of wallet.

That I had riches to transcend us above this petty thing of paper.

That I could bring joy without a profit/loss statement.

That I could be so right but so wrong to survive in this.

That you didn't mock me for the truth.

Money.

Money,

Chains of gold, Diamonds and excrement.

My freedom has a price, so does yours.

We, all of us, commodities...Human resources.

Denial of the truth only at a price.  

What's your soul worth.

Mine, whatever they pay by the hour.

Is this what God intended?

You say no but you can't deny the game all the same.

 

Heart be still

 

Heart be still

Trouble me no more

your nagging insistence

ever drags me to the fore

I've had enough

of this thing called love

I've had enough

of fools folly in search of

I've felt this before

so long it has been

once more into my life

to wreak havoc again

For years I was content

to deny love's caress

For years so fortunate

that for me none did fluoresce

A year ago we met

I felt the flame

But hesitant in my action

I feared the game

Then joy when I saw her

as again she came through the door

heart beaming, mind racing

a love rekindled once more

Finding my courage

I invited her out

she accepted, I dumbfounded

but fear was I without

I thought she felt the same

or so I thought

But always that nagging

was it all for naught?

For me the flame lit early

for her it was not so

she was not ready

For what my heart would bestow

Did I surmise

in the knowing of my pain

that pursuing this one

was a fools errand in vain?

For she was not ready

my feelings unrestrained

Loving eyes from me

would only cause both pain?

Pain for both

sadly it is so

love unrequited

A feeling hated 

yet so well I know

I go down this road no longer

my solitude I must reclaim

Not her fault not mine

simply victims of the game

She might have met me

if the past didn't hold her so

a pain in her so deeply felt

she could never forego

She told me of loves before

of dreams lost in the fray

How solitude she now sought

while she pushed me away

Maybe in the future she said

a chance the flame

but for now it was no

she would coldly abstain

But love in my eyes I could never hide

friendship would always strain

Expectation, desire

in me rising again

  The flame will burn, that won't change

but the pain of it will subside

My life now familiar yet strange

another love has died.

I thought we'd conquer worlds 

But from WE must I now refrain

Once more I seek to master them alone

and From love I will abstain.

Steps.

There is in everything an ebb and flow

A time to embrace and a time to let go

A day remembered, a dream past 

Ripples in time, pebbles long since cast

The waters calm now gently kissing the shore

A path revealed, one step a thousand, one touch a million more

The steps important not the path we tread

We write our own journeys in no other's stead

Moved by the music of a soul in tune

We dance to the rhythms as our hearts do swoon

At peace with gifts found both bitter and sweet

At one with your heart and those we chance meet

 

A tortured hour

It's 3:34 AM....

The house is dark but then the house is always dark to me even in the middle of the day.

It's hot, too hot.  The thermometer says it's 88 degrees outside but in here it's closer to 100.  Why? I can't afford to turn the AC on.  Such luxuries are for other people.

Madness! a Phoenix summer where the weatherman cheerily announces weeks of 110 degree plus days. No escape, no money for a reprieve from the heat.  No comforts...

Things haven't been so good.  The refrigerator's almost  always empty and what little is there provides meager nourishment for body or soul.  Everything around me seems somehow broken.  Things that should have long since been discarded forced past their prime, patched together and pressed back to service until they can finally give no more.

Broken...

For five years it's been a tough row to hoe.  It's never been easy but this time it's harder.  I know, it's been that way for many but I'm most familiar with my own tribulations.  

Excuse the pain if you've heard it before...

It's the kind of thing that makes you hate television, especially the commercials.  Constant nagging about things nobody really cares about all with the promise of taking your woes away...for a price.

A price I can no longer afford which makes me hate them even more.  It's like being mocked, the proverbial carrot inevitably followed by the stick.  I don't hate them for selling their wares; I hate them for the assumption that I don't know any better.

Buy this car and save money on gas, Enroll in that diploma mill and have a brighter future.  Neither is true and I've got close to 100K of debt to prove it with nothing to show but the collection letters.  The worst part, they sell a lifestyle with expensive trappings but little meaning.

When did becoming a member of the middle class become a lifelong aspiration?  When did simple civilized survival become a goal?

It's 3:44 AM...

Something's rattling on the car, I know what it is, I know every sound it can make but all I can do is hope that it remains little more than an audible annoyance...

Comfort is a luxury.  There is no peace in my surroundings or my soul. 

Middle aged, underestimated, dismissed, hopeless but still defiant!

Pull myself up by the bootstraps!  But I have no boots...

Never cared for that analogy anyway.  It's a fallacy perpetrated by those who never knew the predicament.

Opportunity is made not found but opportunity doesn't happen in a vacuum but lately it seems I do.

Whose fault?  Mine I suppose.  But then far more worthy than I have a similar tale.  We can't all be wrong.

What can I do?  For myself, I'll try anything that doesn't risk the little that remains.  Is it enough?

Time will tell, but do I have the time? 

It's 4:00AM

Do something, do anything.  Unbridled ambition thwarted by petty finances.  Do I believe in myself? Am I all that I thought I once was?

Not a high bar, humility or more appropriately the edge of self-loathing has always been a companion.  Ego and hubris have no place.  But neither did confidence.  I rarely win so I refuse the gamble.

This isn't the life I planned or should I say any of the lives I've planned.  I've started over so many times but always end up in the same place. 

Here...

Keep trying, keep striving all the time fearful of losing the little bit I have left even if I hate the prison it creates.

Do I have time to try again?

It's 4:16AM

Damn! it's hot in here.  The winters are better but I still can't afford the heat.  I sit in the remains of my chair, it too is broken, drenched in my own filthy perspiration the only comfort being the memory of it that will come when I can see my breath waking on some January morning.

Not defeated, not giving up but lost.

How do I move forward?  What's the key? 

4:23 AM

Recruiters, agencies, headhunters.  Hardly better than TV commercials.  Promises not kept, selling a bill of goods only for their own ends.  The product doesn't match the consumer, no sale.

Still I try, find the needle, ignore the haystack...

My own pursuits?  On virtue success, on paper, failure. 

I never wanted to do anything that didn't matter to someone.  It seems that's a dying...virtue.

It's 4:24 AM

Everything still seems broken.  I look around me and see so much that could be done.  I want to fix it, I want to fix me...

I'm not in a vacuum. Others suffer for my affliction.  I want to fix that too.

Keep trying, keep looking, deny the doubt...

Fix it...

It's 4:34AM