As it goes

There are things I should be doing....

They're not getting done....

Things in need of attention...

But my thoughts are drawn to one...


I need to stop thinking about this, busy myself with the mundane...

Tend to those things safe, measurable and plain...

What the hell am I thinking?  Where am I going with this?

Is there an outcome any different from the others?

Or am I addicted to an imagined bliss?

I've written of it before but now I feel the wiser.

The heart strains to take flight but the mind screams louder...

"Nothing here for you, why do you persist?"

Why?  You foolish analytical child!

Because life was better lived when such a foolish heart was wild....

Better when the tangible held little value...

Better when survival was measured in a shared gaze

Your baubles and trinkets, your empty expressions of pomp.


A manufactured reality, a facade dissipating in a haze.

I've felt, I've known this truth that I ache to share...

But even alone a burden I'm blessed to bear.

I'd give my life to bring the impossible for her.

Even if all in vain...

But Foolish man, shouldn't you be asking...would she do the same?

No matter calculating child.  The heart trumps the brain...

To love another is to love the world even if it brings pain.

I will,
I can,
I do

and  know what I feel will remain.

My heart never empty, my faith never drained.

But the tear can come now and then when thoughts of wishes unmet.

When pangs of sorrow mix with sadness and regret.

And even then in my darkest I will praise the day.

When I felt that  which no words can do justice.

When for that moment the heart would have it's say.

Heart be still

 

Heart be still

Trouble me no more

your nagging insistence

ever drags me to the fore

I've had enough

of this thing called love

I've had enough

of fools folly in search of

I've felt this before

so long it has been

once more into my life

to wreak havoc again

For years I was content

to deny love's caress

For years so fortunate

that for me none did fluoresce

A year ago we met

I felt the flame

But hesitant in my action

I feared the game

Then joy when I saw her

as again she came through the door

heart beaming, mind racing

a love rekindled once more

Finding my courage

I invited her out

she accepted, I dumbfounded

but fear was I without

I thought she felt the same

or so I thought

But always that nagging

was it all for naught?

For me the flame lit early

for her it was not so

she was not ready

For what my heart would bestow

Did I surmise

in the knowing of my pain

that pursuing this one

was a fools errand in vain?

For she was not ready

my feelings unrestrained

Loving eyes from me

would only cause both pain?

Pain for both

sadly it is so

love unrequited

A feeling hated 

yet so well I know

I go down this road no longer

my solitude I must reclaim

Not her fault not mine

simply victims of the game

She might have met me

if the past didn't hold her so

a pain in her so deeply felt

she could never forego

She told me of loves before

of dreams lost in the fray

How solitude she now sought

while she pushed me away

Maybe in the future she said

a chance the flame

but for now it was no

she would coldly abstain

But love in my eyes I could never hide

friendship would always strain

Expectation, desire

in me rising again

  The flame will burn, that won't change

but the pain of it will subside

My life now familiar yet strange

another love has died.

I thought we'd conquer worlds 

But from WE must I now refrain

Once more I seek to master them alone

and From love I will abstain.

Love and loss

Is it really better to have loved and lost or is ingorance truly bliss...

Just what about ripping your heart out and stomping on it in the middle of a mosh pit is beneficial?

Oh!  What lessons we've learned!  What wisdom we can partake!

Bull...

I vote ignorance...

Here's why.  If you're ignorant you don't know any better and you go on blissfully unaware of the horrors of the world around you.  Your safe, little insular life prevents you from considering anything that could challenge those rose colored glasses.

All is grand.

There's something to be said for wisdom but to get it takes courage and a willingness to discover a world far scarier than our warm little cocoon could process.

You're happier if you're a coward in this instance.

Here's the difference between love lost and ignorance of it.

When love is lost what you're really losing is hope.  Along with it goes faith, civility and all those other niceties that come from living in modern society.

You mourn what could have been.  What dreams may have been realized with that special someone.

When love is never known all you lose is knowledge of the above.  

That's not such an awful thing.  The human condition pre-disposes us to seek out companionship but what if you do it wrong?

Again and again...

The only thing lost from having never loved is knowledge of the pain from screwing it up.

That "Courage" thing is best left to the Red Shirts on Star Trek.  They never seem to have much of a career path aside from keeping Kirk from an untimely end. Kind of like a one-sided relationship.

Over and Over again...

Wisdom in matters of love is often just an admission that you keep screwing up.  Worse, you remember it...ALL OF IT.  Every second of torturous uncertainty and pain.

I'll never understand why people like to place so much value in pain.  Pain is an annoyance.  If I get a blister on my finger it makes it hard for me to type a blog post.  Aside from fewer boring posts for the hapless reader who stumbles upon them, what possible value do I gain from the wisdom of blisters?

The worst case scenario comes when you mix ignorance and love.  That frequently leads to a thing called "unrequited love."  Which is just another word for "dumbass."  The actual meaning is one that loves without getting love in return.  That anyone would tolerate such a thing to me makes them excellent candidates for the anti-waterboarding detail.  If you can put up with that no amount of dripping will break you.

Perhaps that should be a new recruitment criteria for the military!

Anyone that would willingly inflict that much pain on themselves must enjoy it.

I've enjoyed it, if you can call it that.  No wait, I didn't enjoy it at all...
 I didn't intend to but either my own rose colored glasses got involved or I was led down a path.  Admittedly of my own creation.

That's another lesson.  If you're going to screw up, don't blame anyone but yourself.  You saw the signs and blissfully ignored them. 

Idiot..

I think I'm done with paths, glasses and walking for now.  It gets my shoes dirty and doesn't lead anywhere beneficial in which case the real loss is time.  Something we have so very little of.

I'm not anti-romance, just anti-stupid.

Aint love grand...