Heart be still

 

Heart be still

Trouble me no more

your nagging insistence

ever drags me to the fore

I've had enough

of this thing called love

I've had enough

of fools folly in search of

I've felt this before

so long it has been

once more into my life

to wreak havoc again

For years I was content

to deny love's caress

For years so fortunate

that for me none did fluoresce

A year ago we met

I felt the flame

But hesitant in my action

I feared the game

Then joy when I saw her

as again she came through the door

heart beaming, mind racing

a love rekindled once more

Finding my courage

I invited her out

she accepted, I dumbfounded

but fear was I without

I thought she felt the same

or so I thought

But always that nagging

was it all for naught?

For me the flame lit early

for her it was not so

she was not ready

For what my heart would bestow

Did I surmise

in the knowing of my pain

that pursuing this one

was a fools errand in vain?

For she was not ready

my feelings unrestrained

Loving eyes from me

would only cause both pain?

Pain for both

sadly it is so

love unrequited

A feeling hated 

yet so well I know

I go down this road no longer

my solitude I must reclaim

Not her fault not mine

simply victims of the game

She might have met me

if the past didn't hold her so

a pain in her so deeply felt

she could never forego

She told me of loves before

of dreams lost in the fray

How solitude she now sought

while she pushed me away

Maybe in the future she said

a chance the flame

but for now it was no

she would coldly abstain

But love in my eyes I could never hide

friendship would always strain

Expectation, desire

in me rising again

  The flame will burn, that won't change

but the pain of it will subside

My life now familiar yet strange

another love has died.

I thought we'd conquer worlds 

But from WE must I now refrain

Once more I seek to master them alone

and From love I will abstain.

Love and loss

Is it really better to have loved and lost or is ingorance truly bliss...

Just what about ripping your heart out and stomping on it in the middle of a mosh pit is beneficial?

Oh!  What lessons we've learned!  What wisdom we can partake!

Bull...

I vote ignorance...

Here's why.  If you're ignorant you don't know any better and you go on blissfully unaware of the horrors of the world around you.  Your safe, little insular life prevents you from considering anything that could challenge those rose colored glasses.

All is grand.

There's something to be said for wisdom but to get it takes courage and a willingness to discover a world far scarier than our warm little cocoon could process.

You're happier if you're a coward in this instance.

Here's the difference between love lost and ignorance of it.

When love is lost what you're really losing is hope.  Along with it goes faith, civility and all those other niceties that come from living in modern society.

You mourn what could have been.  What dreams may have been realized with that special someone.

When love is never known all you lose is knowledge of the above.  

That's not such an awful thing.  The human condition pre-disposes us to seek out companionship but what if you do it wrong?

Again and again...

The only thing lost from having never loved is knowledge of the pain from screwing it up.

That "Courage" thing is best left to the Red Shirts on Star Trek.  They never seem to have much of a career path aside from keeping Kirk from an untimely end. Kind of like a one-sided relationship.

Over and Over again...

Wisdom in matters of love is often just an admission that you keep screwing up.  Worse, you remember it...ALL OF IT.  Every second of torturous uncertainty and pain.

I'll never understand why people like to place so much value in pain.  Pain is an annoyance.  If I get a blister on my finger it makes it hard for me to type a blog post.  Aside from fewer boring posts for the hapless reader who stumbles upon them, what possible value do I gain from the wisdom of blisters?

The worst case scenario comes when you mix ignorance and love.  That frequently leads to a thing called "unrequited love."  Which is just another word for "dumbass."  The actual meaning is one that loves without getting love in return.  That anyone would tolerate such a thing to me makes them excellent candidates for the anti-waterboarding detail.  If you can put up with that no amount of dripping will break you.

Perhaps that should be a new recruitment criteria for the military!

Anyone that would willingly inflict that much pain on themselves must enjoy it.

I've enjoyed it, if you can call it that.  No wait, I didn't enjoy it at all...
 I didn't intend to but either my own rose colored glasses got involved or I was led down a path.  Admittedly of my own creation.

That's another lesson.  If you're going to screw up, don't blame anyone but yourself.  You saw the signs and blissfully ignored them. 

Idiot..

I think I'm done with paths, glasses and walking for now.  It gets my shoes dirty and doesn't lead anywhere beneficial in which case the real loss is time.  Something we have so very little of.

I'm not anti-romance, just anti-stupid.

Aint love grand...

Expectations: Love, positivity and otherwise

 

I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately and that's a bad thing because, well, I'm really bad at them.

Not bad in sense of being selfish or abusive.

Rather, I tend to be as my 8th grade English teacher once said to me...."Hyper analytical."

Before you run off to Google it, that just means I think too much...about everything.

Seems nothing happens in my life without at least some measure of the consequences being considered first.  

At length...

The same can be said for a lot of  people but I tend to take it to another level.  Hence...Hyper analytical.

It's served me well for all those things where there was a "safer" option but relationships are all about risk and reward.

So let me put this out there right up front.  The Internet is a HORRIBLE place to find answers to your relationship questions.  Want to ruin a good thing?  Listen to some idiot try to tell you what you're feeling.  

"The first kiss should happen by the second date..."

"Sex should happen by the 5th date..."

"If she doesn't want to hold your hand it means she's not into you..."

Bull...

Love isn't an Amazon Prime purchase.  There are no customer reviews or 5 star rating systems.  Well, there are but they're worthless.

The heart wants what it wants but I can tell you from experience that the heart is, to be blunt, stupid.  This is why we have brains.  The problem is the two are mortal enemies.  Where the heart may be warm and accepting the brain is cold, analytical and far more subject to the influence of the sin of "idle hands."

Leave things unsaid long enough and those "idle hands" get busy.

The best relationship advice is to forget about expectations.  Especially those born from uncertainty.

If you look for answers everywhere BUT the person who actually has them you're doomed.


I've written about the dangers of relying on absolutes before and when it comes to relationships it seems they're everywhere.  Look for definitive answers to questions about love and you get 1000 opinions.  All of them framed as a golden truth but as worthless as cow patties.

OK, here's the wave thing again...

Remember we can only control our own actions, our own thoughts and our own judgement.  The more we ride the waves the more we learn that no two are ever the same.  Any expectations beyond "wet" and "movement" are unreliable.

Be open to what's happening in the relationship good or bad but keep your expectations out of it.

I can tell you from experience that the worst heartbreak comes not from what you think someone did to you but rather a personal expectation they couldn't and/or didn't want to live up to.  
  
That's the issue with expectations; they aren't reality, they're just unspoken demands.  Anything unspoken eventually leads to trouble down the line.  Besides, DEMANDS don't make for great relationships.

I have a close friend that I absolutely HATE going to restaurants with.  The reason is that he's never happy with his order.    An example comes to mind. 

My friend often orders salads.  Now it's not unusual that they just might include a tomato or two.   

Thing is, he hates tomatoes with a passion but when he orders he  never says anything to the waiter about his disdain for all things tomato.  So the salad comes with the offending red veggie (Supreme Court says it's not a fruit BTW) and spends the rest of the meal grumbling about how they should have known he didn't want tomatoes.  

 It's happened so often that now I won't go anywhere with him that doesn't require you to tell someone behind a sneeze guard exactly what you want.  

Subway restaurants come to mind...

Just like my finicky eating friend you never get what you want when you make unilateral judgments.   

Admittedly, that's hard to do at times.  

Gosh, wouldn't it be just wonderful if if all our relationships were like an 80's John Hughes film.  A couple of awkward meetings, love and/or friendship develops and gets tested just before the ultimate resolution rising to a crescendo complete with happy ending all in the space of a couple of hours.

Yeah, it don't work that way.

BUT!

It's easier if you're riding the wave instead of trying to dictate its direction.  Love the moment, breathe in the atmosphere and enjoy the ride.  

Just don't forget to keep your eyes open.

We get into the most trouble when we get lost in our own expectations and make blind assumptions.

Be you, be real and be open...