I watch you go....

Heart wide open
Eyes firmly shut
Not with reason
but faith in...what?

Faith in the unspoken a feeling shared

Faith in a union but no armor to a heart bared

Fool or hero, neither or both

A trust given not earned on little more than hope

What could I do but gather more lines
for another sad tome of a union denied

My shadows her demons both tainting the air

So much promise, so much hope but no fruit to bear

Her love restrained  so shackled by shadows

Mine given freely but fearing the gallows

The day is over the night draws first breath

At the well of the unrequited again I mourn love's death

I mourn the truth more that two couldn't be united

I mourn one last time and for a moment, delighted.

For what it was, so much to me even for a little while.
At times the memory still brings a smile

There's no shame that to love I surrendered

That she woke a still heart with stirred embers

But now I am done and alone is no burden

What I seek lives not here, of this she is certain

Give to me now a moment of grace even if strength shows not on a tortured face

The heart burns strong but seeks not another to know love is to be love

and that needs no other.

Perspective: Your reality is what you make it.

No long winded intros, the video literally speaks for itself....

We Just Disagree

"There ain't no good guys, there ain't no bad guys.  There's only you and me and we just disagree.."

The crossroads come before me again.
Ribbons of consequence intersecting our lives.

Why does inspiration only come at the point of departure?

Each path we cross brings a lesson.  Each life we touch a catalyst.

What was good was beautiful, what brought us to this metaphysical off-ramp, tragic.

But see the lesson for what it was and embrace the joy we found while we were together.

Our journey short but the distance traveled, far.

Let that which was good guide and nourish you as it has me.


Find your own peace and take what you've learned to build the world you desire.

That our path is no longer shared only means that the universe wanted us to share just a small part of our journey.

Now it is behind us and with both joy and sorrow I can watch you go.

Know that I did love you and that was enough.

Whose voice?

I've seen the darkness within the light

I've seen the dawn beneath the night

I've heard the voices from places well known

I've allowed seeds planted but they're not my own

The war rages between past and now

The desire and passion obscured somehow

Believe what I see or what I've seen

Belief in something in between

So much in my heart it's hard to know

So much in my head tempting me so

A kind of madness that destroys the soul

A love so deep that none could know

Embracing the light that begs to be seen

But vulnerable to those dark times in between

Voices demanding to be heard

Manifesting doubts of the wholly absurd

Weak from this pointless battle, ready to fall

But for her I stand and risk it all

Whether I stand on the mount or crumple to the ground

The path leads where the voices can make no sound

In this I am fool or prophet

It is for us to know

Silence the voices, they come from dark places below

As it goes

There are things I should be doing....

They're not getting done....

Things in need of attention...

But my thoughts are drawn to one...


I need to stop thinking about this, busy myself with the mundane...

Tend to those things safe, measurable and plain...

What the hell am I thinking?  Where am I going with this?

Is there an outcome any different from the others?

Or am I addicted to an imagined bliss?

I've written of it before but now I feel the wiser.

The heart strains to take flight but the mind screams louder...

"Nothing here for you, why do you persist?"

Why?  You foolish analytical child!

Because life was better lived when such a foolish heart was wild....

Better when the tangible held little value...

Better when survival was measured in a shared gaze

Your baubles and trinkets, your empty expressions of pomp.


A manufactured reality, a facade dissipating in a haze.

I've felt, I've known this truth that I ache to share...

But even alone a burden I'm blessed to bear.

I'd give my life to bring the impossible for her.

Even if all in vain...

But Foolish man, shouldn't you be asking...would she do the same?

No matter calculating child.  The heart trumps the brain...

To love another is to love the world even if it brings pain.

I will,
I can,
I do

and  know what I feel will remain.

My heart never empty, my faith never drained.

But the tear can come now and then when thoughts of wishes unmet.

When pangs of sorrow mix with sadness and regret.

And even then in my darkest I will praise the day.

When I felt that  which no words can do justice.

When for that moment the heart would have it's say.

Patience...

Things happen in their own time
 
What we all need...

Just a little patience.

For all our efforts

Let me start with this...

Regardless of the popularity of my TWIT posts this isn't one of them although the message may resonate with that subject matter.

A few days ago it was very cold here.  Uncharacteristically cold for the part of the country I live in.  As such anything below 30F makes the local news for days.  

It was night and I went out on my back porch to have a smoke break.  I'm a bit of a neat freak so I don't smoke in the house, car or anywhere else enclosed.  I suppose I suffer for my vices for the sake of my compulsions.

As I stood there in the dark, feeling the chill of the night air permeating all 4 layers of my vain attempts to ignore the cold I heard a strange sound.

There's a pool in the back yard and at night I'm not used to hearing anything related to it except for the sound of the pump.  This night something was different.

I heard what could only be the sound of something thrashing about in the water.  Of course I had to see what it was.

Let me preface my actions with this; I've had stray animals from the feline and feathered variety end up in the pool on multiple occasions.  I can't count how many birds and kittens I've saved from a watery grave.  

I have a respect for living things.  Especially those that don't know any better and end up in peril from a world dominated by man-made hazards nature never prepared them for.

I flipped on the back lights and found a small bird flapping hopelessly near the deep end of the pool.  I knew the water was near freezing being only slightly warmer than the air above it.

I retrieved my leaf net and scooped the little bird out placing him gently on one of the benches near the house.  No longer in danger of drowning and out of sight and easy reach of any of the neighborhood cats, I felt he was safe.

The night air was cutting though and the little bird was wet.  I retrieved a small towel and picked him up briefly to get most of the water off of him.  He let out a soft squawk in protest but gave no further resistance.  

Satisfied that I'd at least gotten him mostly dry without traumatizing him too badly I let him be.  It was below freezing and while I wanted to bring the bird in the house to warm up a bit I could tell it would just traumatize him more so I did the next best thing and made him a little lean-to kind of structure out of an old stiff terry cloth mop head I'd found in a closet.  

I put it over him and he nestled into one side and after a short while went to sleep.

I checked on him throughout the night and in the morning I was happy to find that he had gone.  As in flew away BTW not lifeless on the pavement or a cat's dinner. 

It felt good that maybe I had a hand in saving the little bird.  Left in the pool he wouldn't have lasted much longer and I can't help but think that my discovery of his predicament was no accident.

To do a kindness to the helpless is never in vain but there was another lesson in store for me...

Tonight I walked out on my back porch again and while the air was still cold, it didn't bite quite as much as the night I found that little bird flapping helplessly in the water.

I noticed that against the dim moonlight reflecting on the pool was something out of place.  I'd thought it was just some leaves until I flipped on the lights just as I'd did that night.

If you've guessed that I found the same little bird again you're right but this time I was too late to save him.

He hung in the water lifeless but stoic with wings firm against his tiny body with head held erect as if defying his sad end.

It struck me.

I hadn't saved him at all only delayed what was an inevitable end.

I may have facilitated another day of life but the lesson hadn't been learned.  There he was in the same predicament but this time nobody to save him.

It brought to mind something that I'd been thinking about.  Not so much an epiphany as an affirmation of belief.

That as hard as we may try to influence the fate of others it is ultimately up to them.  Free will is the cornerstone of many belief and societal systems.  That we can do as we please even to our own detriment.  

Sometimes a gift isn't accepted.  Living things have free will regardless of whether we agree with it or not.  

If our moral compass is wrong it's up to us to discover it.  Nobody else can set it right.  

That little bird chose to fly back into the pool.  I can't know the reason but the choice to fly into oblivion was his regardless of my efforts.

We can't truly know the mind of another we can only guess.  

We can't really know if we've had a positive influence on someone else just because of the act of trying to help them.  We can only observe what they do with what we've offered.

It's up to them and only them to use or even ignore the gift.

I won't stop trying to help where I can but in the end I know that all I can do is offer an opinion, an option.  You have to make the decision of how you bear your own crosses and quell your own demons.  Your path is your own.

I'd have liked the little bird to survive but it wasn't my choice.  I'd done what I could do for him.  It was up to him what came next.

Just as it's up to you what you do next.  

The Holiday Heart

 

So it's the holiday season again.  You know the one with Santa Claus, Baby Jesus, Menorahs and a month of sales of the "Black" or "Cyber"  variety.

Such humble origins as a celebration of  the Winter Solstice to ward off the doldrums of the most dreary of seasons gave way to the very pinnacle of rampant consumerism and oh yeah, religion got thrown in there along the way.

History tells us that the Catholic Church specifically set the date for the first Christmas celebrations to coincide with the otherwise pagan celebration occurring on December 25th.  

Of course the Catholic Church denies it...😇

...and Bill Clinton did not have.....never mind...

It's a good sales technique: Make the pitch while people are drunk on the spirit, or "spirits," mix in some familiar pagan ritual and symbolism they can relate to and suddenly the pews are filled with the faithful.

Nothing wrong with that...

It's a classic sales tactic.  That's what Christmas has been from the very beginning.  At least so far as the Christmas we know.  Save the assertions of blasphemy.  Theologists, historians and astronomers alike have pretty much agreed that the divine birth likely occurred around late September.

So I suppose all those holiday decorations showing up in October aren't too early after all.   In fact they're a bit late!

Why bring all this up now?

Because it's about faith.  It's about believing in something greater than what's staring back at you in the mirror.  That's the lesson regardless of your choice in divine text.  

Without faith there is no peace.  Faith in God, faith in our better angels, faith in each other to do what is right and good.

Couch it n religion if you must but only so far as it serves the greater purpose.  That being making this life, this world better for us having been here.  What we do and who we are right now is the core of all spiritual belief.  Whether we believe in divine reward at the end of this life or that this life is reward in itself we are encouraged to bring light into the world.  

Each day is an opportunity to create something beautiful and this time of year makes it all the more possible.

That's what I feel.  It's something that stays with me.  It lets me appreciate the Holiday Heart as I call it.

It's a feeling of unity, hope and yes "faith."   I make no claim as to what or if there is any divine inspiration for it.  Faith has more to do with who we are than who we may or may not pray to.  Whether we find it though rampant consumerism or religious conviction there's still a need that's satisfied.  A desire to bring and receive joy.

Be open to it. 

Tap into it.

Share it.  

It's an energy of positivity.  An elevation to a higher state above the petty concerns of all those things that ultimately have no value.

Value lies in the good we can put into the world.  It lies in being that which we hope to find.  

As you take in the sights and sounds of the season take a moment to feel the Holiday Heart.  See the light beyond the dazzling light displays.  Feel the music beyond the sacred hymns.  

Allow the energy to flow and the love to grow within you. 

That's the Holiday Heart.

Merry Christmas!
Happy Hanukah!

...and joy to whatever may move you this special time of year!  (regardless of who came up with the date  🎄🎄🎄 )

Kyrie To Moving in Stereo....God I'm so white.....

  

So I started out here..../\ /\

And Ended up here \/ \/

OMG!  What does it all mean!

P.S. Not looking for an answer here....Jeez! Lighten up!

Paradox

Here's a word for you....

Paradox.

I find myself constantly running into them.

Do less to get more....

"Overqualified" for a job that's a perfect fit....

Being "Too Nice"

We're encouraged to do the right thing but often punished for doing just that.  I've found that all too often being reliable, nice and accommodating had gotten me many pats on the back but little progress forward.

It's just not the world we live in.  You can be everyone's friend and confidant but ultimately end up the world's doormat.

That's fine if you're Mother Theresa and have a Nobel Prize waiting for you but the rest of us are unlikely to rise to such lofty heights of perceived selflessness.  Oh and by the way, even Mother Theresa had a strong sense of self-preservation.  She freely accepted medical care but denied any such relief to those dying in hospice.

There's a paradox, a life devoted to ending suffering...most of the time.

OK so she was human after all but for the rest of us unlikely to be elevated to posthumous sainthood what's the point?

For me it just seems natural to want to help but where to draw the line.  I have a problem with saying no to all but the most extreme conditions of self-preservation.

My reward for such contorted altruism is something I frequently have to make excuses for.

I'm no saint.  I'm not perfect but I do always try to understand the other side and in this world that seems to be an anathema.

Killer Instincts and assertiveness, regardless of who gets hurt, are the keys to success.
The other option is just a perversion of the "nice guy" in the guise of the "Yes Man" that acts as doormat in hopes of sneaking up the ranks.

That's just passive aggression.  I'm not about that.

So I suppose my societal fit is a bit off.  I only get pissed off when faced with the reality of my station as disposable because of it.  I know I'm not some unworthy scrap with an overheated sense of fairness.  I am, however, overly concerned with everyone else being happy.  I'm not self-aggrandizing here BTW,  It's something that has not served me.

So be it, I can't and won't be something I'm not.  The payoff isn't worth it.

I do have limits even if they seem generous but don't be surprised if I "push back" when you eventually run headlong into my lowest levels of self-preservation. Everybody does it, eventually.


I'm still a nice guy but I'm working on being less and less of a doormat.

The trick is not to become less and less human.  The definition of which is less than attractive for all those "winners" out there.

How Long...

No, nobody's secrets have been revealed.  Just a song that's been buzzing around my head that I happen to like.

I'm painfully familiar with the subject matter, however. 

More than once...

Thankfully not recently...Well, at least not that I have any right to bitch about.

Just a cool song. 

Leave it at that....

Everybody plays the fool...me too...

You may or may not have noticed that a whole bunch of posts mysteriously disappeared from this blog and there's a reason.

It really made me look like kind of a pussy.  

Anyway, I'm not a "pussy" but I'm also not afraid to say how I feel either.  Remember all of these posts are just points in time and that energy has to come out somewhere.  

The truth is that I was in love with someone who I feel either didn't or couldn't feel the same.  Perhaps a more apt phrase was: I was in love AT someone.  A lot of energy invested, a lot of things pushed down inside.  A lot of disappointment and frustration.

I never knew where I stood and probably never will.  It's been weeks since I first published this.  I'm left to my own conclusions.  My disappointment, palpable.  My resignation to the inevitable complete.  

Unrequited, a fool. 


Last word...

I guess it's done, so be it...

<mike drop>

Waypoint

I can't sleep.


I keep thinking about how as I've gone through life people just kind of disappear on me.  Figuratively and literally.

I'm cognizant of the fact that these things happen to everyone to some degree but it seems like its more frequent with me. I inevitably run across the kind of people who are at a crossroads and I'm just there to help them see their options.

As though I were just a way-point for others to figure out where they're going.


There's a kind of noble altruism to it all but the personal toll is always heavy as I watch their taillights fade into the distance.

Be it family, friend or lover it makes no difference.  Ultimately my function is to enable theirs for some time before they move on.   As they go I cannot follow for any number of reasons but mostly just because I don't fit anymore.

At some point it has to be about me and not just what I can give.  However selfish that may seem I know it's ultimately true.

But it always seems to end up the same no matter what I do.


Being me is like going through life with a countdown timer running for every relationship.  The shoe will eventually drop and I'll be on my own again waiting for the next weary traveler to show up.  I'll take whatever small measure of happiness I can gather before they too move on.


That's life I suppose.  People come, people go.

I try to do that too but my road goes in circles and I end up back where I started frustrated, alone and unfulfilled. 

Better to have loved and lost they say but for me love isn't something that ever comes easy.  For most its no more than a match.com profile where for me it's a divine symphony whose movements stir the soul.

I've heard the music but the piece is always unfinished. 

A symphony of one isn't a symphony at all.  It's a solo.

And there too, especially there, I stand at those same crossroads and grudgingly start the timer once again.













 

Somebody Save Me!

Sometimes....yeah...

How am I feeling right now....

 

 Remember, these entries are points in time.  Truth, raw emotion, reflection and right now....just cool.

...heh, got me doin' the "dude walk" all over the living room..

Destination Unknown

  

Destination Unknown...

More fun that way.  I'm not looking for answers or worried about long term plans.  I almost killed my present by letting my past dictate the future.

I was none the wiser...

Take the step and just let the journey unfold.

Things have been strange the past few days having shook up what was my version of normal.  Not that I was that happy with it.  Not that what I've been doing the past few years was that fulfilling.

The more we try to isolate ourselves the more we fail.

I know this...I know nothing about a lot of things and slowly rediscovering that which I'd thought I'd never learned.

Is the Formula fixed? 

No, still on the side of the garage.  Still gonna cost a mint to fix.

Did I get a raise? A cool new job?

Nope, just an opportunity to practice what I preach and I'm glad I could be true to it.

So...

Is anything exactly as I wanted it? No...

But I see evidence of the divine in the way things have unfolded lately.

Credit where its due.  Thank you

I'm finding more reward in loosening the reigns a bit.   The desire is the same but the path is its own concern.  

Let the destination remain unknown.  The journey teaches.  I've been on this path for awhile now I just strayed off it for a bit.

Tomorrow is its own.  

Destination unknown.

Sometimes I think God hates me...

Sing it baby, sing it.

If there's such a thing as past lives I must have been freakin' Hitler...

Because it seems nothing goes right...all at once.

I get to a nice normal place.  Things aren't perfect, normal trials and tribultations.

Then I get hit. 

Not just like, Ouch, wow that was inconvenient...

No, no...

More like, I'm going to threaten your entire life kind of crap.

I seem to end up screwing up relationships without even trying then I get hit with crap like..

So,  I drive older cars because, well, I can't afford newer ones.  

I've accepted that and all that comes with it.   Meaning a lot of time in the garage and I've become pretty handy.

BUT!

When God hates me, he hates me good.

So what prompted this?

Two things.

Drove home tonight from my Aunt's house after trying to help her out with her car and some stuff around her house.  

She's got awesome dogs by the way..

Here's a pic of a couple of them...

So I get off the freeway and the car starts acting funny...

Long story short the Transmission is shot.

Already got a quote.  Looking at around $1600

There goes the next month's paychecks.... Rent is going to be an interesting discussion...

OH!

But I have another car...

Except it's having issues too.  Issues that could make it as useless as the one sitting on the side of the garage right now.

Life happens.  

A bit much...

God do me one thing and please let me get it straightened out so I can at least go to work.

I already have no social life, my friends are busy with their own lives and.....who cares.

Somehow I screwed up things enough to be here.

So yet again, positivity is taking a beating.

I'm positive this is all happening for a reason but the knee-jerk is simply...

FUCK!

I don't know how much I'm supposed to take but I've heard that GOD don't give you more than
you can handle.

ok...

We'll see about that.

Well, at least the grass is looking better on the front lawn.

I'm probably going to be healthier for NOT getting the Bacon Whopper at Burger King last night...

I've got a few beers left in the fridge...

That and, I still know that in the grand scheme none of this matters.  I can remember similar times.  Proud battle scars now.

Lord, I know I'll come through this somehow.  I've done it before.

Good thing I can't make any romance stuff work.  I'd hate to put anyone else through this crap. 

I must be pretty strong...

It'll work out however it's meant to whether I like it or not.   Just like the rest of my life...

Well, nothing happens without effort.  I'm not just going to sit here and sulk about it. 

Wish me luck with the other car.  That and a few prayers wouldn't hurt.  

I may not be as devout as some but I do clasp hands and do some deep talking to invisible people more often than some might think except I'm usually worried about other folks.

Yeah, My aunt, my folks and yes, my muse for all those "other" blog posts.

Still, you know what.

Whomever is reading this.

It'll work out.  I'm not going anywhere ( literally right now ) so no worries. 

Maybe a little more faith is what I need.

An extra prayer from me for the crap you DON'T have to go through.

To those who might be worried.  Nothing but hope and love in my heart.

Peace..

Free association...Moving in Stereo

Moving in Stereo, who needs 5.1

"So easy to blow up your problems, so easy to play up your breakdown..."

Too much drama, desensitized, deaf, only about you... 

Who cares what I feel right?

I need to quit thinking I can help people that don't want to be helped....

I need to stop falling for people who don't give a damn...

I need to learn to be a better sociopath.  They seem to succeed in everything in this fucked up world.

Nah, too much conscience for that...

Sounds, colors, thoughts, emotions, a dirty canvas.   Throw it out.

Too much in my heart, keeps stirring the soul.  Dumbass...

Shattered, not quite but the cracks are obvious.

Always the same, always sad songs.

A curse of knowing.  An endless loop of....what?

Did I ever tell you?  

I knew she'd leave me.  When I asked for her hand her dad said to me, " don't break her heart" 

I said, " Don't worry, she'll probably break mine "

God, I knew then...

Another Her... 

My fault, her fault, nobody's fault.

It's just...

Things uncovered long buried. I never dealt with them I just ignored them and 20 years later made the same choices.

Mom's fault, Dad's fault..Who is he again?  Who fucking cares.

Only reprieve, I make others happy.

Without that...

Best not to dwell.  

Tired of the same hamster wheel...

No worries, but no I don't care if you think I'm nuts.  How perfect is your life?

Do you dare look closer?

Your own lie to bear.

At least I admit to mine.

Too many "hers" I've waited on.

One blessing makes all this pass.

The other shoe has dropped.and I'm still here.

No so bad after all...

Stronger than I thought.

Too bad only I know it...

Whatever...

"All mixed up..."Don't care, not my problem...

"Leave it to me..." 

Yeah, that's the problem.  

Never EVER leave it to someone else.

Hey God, could we stop this now?

A lottery win or something would be nice...

Dumbass...

Me, not God 


Somebody would be offended...


Let's stay away from the whole God thing...


"She never does arrive" 


So I'll stop waiting...

Stupid games, too old for this crap...


Rah..