Heart wide open Eyes firmly shut Not with reason but faith in...what? Faith in the unspoken a feeling shared Faith in a union but no armor to a heart bared Fool or hero, neither or both A trust given not earned on little more than hope What could I do but gather more lines for another sad tome of a union denied My shadows her demons both tainting the air So much promise, so much hope but no fruit to bear Her love restrained so shackled by shadows Mine given freely but fearing the gallows The day is over the night draws first breath At the well of the unrequited again I mourn love's death
I mourn the truth more that two couldn't be united I mourn one last time and for a moment, delighted. For what it was, so much to me even for a little while. At times the memory still brings a smile There's no shame that to love I surrendered That she woke a still heart with stirred embers But now I am done and alone is no burden What I seek lives not here, of this she is certain Give to me now a moment of grace even if strength shows not on a tortured face The heart burns strong but seeks not another to know love is to be love and that needs no other.
No, nobody's secrets have been revealed. Just a song that's been buzzing around my head that I happen to like. I'm painfully familiar with the subject matter, however.
More than once... Thankfully not recently...Well, at least not that I have any right to bitch about. Just a cool song. Leave it at that....
A lot has happened... A whole lot of nothing...has happened.... I think about people and experiences I've known but in the end they all led here. Just me sitting alone, late at night in a dark room typing essays that nobody's going to read. Confidence is something that's always been difficult. Made more so by people who think it should come easy to me. I suppose I put on a good show. Talk is cheap and I hear a lot of it. I suppose the occasional accolade should stoke my ego but I tend to take long views both fore and aft. What I see in all those dawns and twilight's look pretty much the same no matter what I try. I never quite fit and never quite get where I want to go. Bad choices fueled by bad experiences have made me wary in these later years. Of course my options have always been rather limited. Either by consequence or fear of repeating past mistakes ( which I inevitably do anyway ) I can never quite believe what I'm told or what I see.
Or what I feel, apparently.
Someone told me once that they didn't understand how I could live this way but admired and wished they could as well. They see it as some kind of virtue of independence
I'll let you in on a little secret...I hate it.
But as the consequences of my birth and beyond have come into my life and I sit here once again in the dark pouring out my heart to no one I can tell you this. This is nothing to aspire to. That I live a life that's barely lived and worse get chided for it does nothing for the ego. To live this way is to deny all but that which is necessary. "Necessary" means a lot less than you think by the way because that's the way it has to be.
Someone once asked me where I liked to go on vacation. My answer, "I haven't been on one since I was a kid." Shocked disbelief was the response...
It's not that I envy those who do such things it's just that the price for doing them was always too high. Something wouldn't get paid, someone wouldn't get taken care of, something more important than me had to come first.
That last one I think is the key.
I'm a great one for giving advice and comfort. My reluctant martyrdom has essentially stripped me of so many of the things that color most people's lives. That makes the world just shades of gray more often than not. On the upside a lack of color tends to bring out definition to see things more clearly.
That makes it easier to cut through so much of the inconsequential garbage that people seem to hold so dear. No, I don't believe anything I see on Facebook or Instagram either. Nobody's life is that amazing nor do they have that many adoring friends.
But maybe that "garbage" wasn't as inconsequential as I thought it was.
The difference between them and me is simple. Throughout my life even if I believed I wanted to do something for myself it was really to please someone else. If I started down a path of my own making I'd abandon it if someone needed me elsewhere.
True, ultimately that was my choice but the reasons for making it were never really my own.
Every time I thought I was on the brink of escape I heard the hollow echo of the other shoe dropping and the illusion vanished before my eyes.
Leaving me here...again.
So as I go on with baggage in tow it's hard to see how anything can really change for me. The best I can do is appreciate what little joy I can gather but all the time knowing that even that can easily be taken away.
Indifference, an unkind word, ignorance, cruelty. I see it and while I try not to let petulance consume me, there are days when those things can cut me to to the bone.
It's worse when it comes from someone you care about though. When you realize that what you thought you'd broke free from has just changed its face. There it is again, same shit different DNA.
As I've found, every relationship has an expiration date and every moment is weighed against self-interest. When you're of no use, when you don't fit the agenda I find where I may seek compromise they seek the nearest exit.
Or I do...
There's been a few times when the writing on the wall forced me to be proactive but the shoe was still destined to drop. I've seen it too many times to deny.
It's not sad, it's not self-pity, it's just the way it is. It's my truth no matter if family, friend or vocation are involved. I suppose I just expect too much from people. I have an impossible standard that I may not hold them too but wish they could meet.
I can't help it. My own experience just keeps showing me how shallow the depth of things like compassion and love have become. It's as though everybody walks around with little scales above their heads measuring every interaction to make sure they don't give too much.
Others have had far worse, I acknowledge that. I'm always cognizant of that but I don't live their lives. What's wrong is wrong but it seems I can't go without denying the relevance of my own feelings and desires in lieu of someone else.
I've finally come the realization that my feelings don't really matter. Mostly because they're too intense, too real and when revealed force others to look too far inward for their own comfort. I'm not homeless, have bullets flying over my head or afflicted with some incurable disease but I've never really known comfort or peace. Not in the way it matters. I thought I did once but like all my illusions the shoe dropped dispelling it into shattered memories. That's the reward for being who I am. There's nothing here to aspire to save the fact that I still have love in my heart and a desire to do the right thing. ....for as much good as it's done me.
I can't sleep. I keep thinking about how as I've gone through life people just kind of disappear on me. Figuratively and literally. I'm cognizant of the fact that these things happen to everyone to some degree but it seems like its more frequent with me. I inevitably run across the kind of people who are at a crossroads and I'm just there to help them see their options. As though I were just a way-point for others to figure out where they're going. There's a kind of noble altruism to it all but the personal toll is always heavy as I watch their taillights fade into the distance. Be it family, friend or lover it makes no difference. Ultimately my function is to enable theirs for some time before they move on. As they go I cannot follow for any number of reasons but mostly just because I don't fit anymore. At some point it has to be about me and not just what I can give. However selfish that may seem I know it's ultimately true.
But it always seems to end up the same no matter what I do. Being me is like going through life with a countdown timer running for every relationship. The shoe will eventually drop and I'll be on my own again waiting for the next weary traveler to show up. I'll take whatever small measure of happiness I can gather before they too move on. That's life I suppose. People come, people go. I try to do that too but my road goes in circles and I end up back where I started frustrated, alone and unfulfilled. Better to have loved and lost they say but for me love isn't something that ever comes easy. For most its no more than a match.com profile where for me it's a divine symphony whose movements stir the soul. I've heard the music but the piece is always unfinished.
A symphony of one isn't a symphony at all. It's a solo. And there too, especially there, I stand at those same crossroads and grudgingly start the timer once again.
I live in a place where its anticipated in the same way others would anticipate the first snowfall.
But unlike those gentle flakes it comes not as a quiet, gentle visitor but with a fury. As though the parched empty days that preceded it were relinquishing their power to what was to come.
And when it comes; an explosion of wind, rain and light unleashed all at once.
A welcome reprieve. Exciting and terrifying. A respite from the sun. A respite from thoughts that as of late have held too much sway over me.
I picked this particular video not just for the sound quality which I admit could be better but for the lyrics set in time to it.
In case you haven't noticed, the past few posts have had music videos embedded in them that either match the tone of what I'm trying to say or the message. Sometimes both.
This one is a little scary but the truth always is.
I kind of feel like the guy who'd be singing this song. I mean other than Phil Collins. I meant it figuratively. Try to stay with me here...
I guess if I was feeling that way I should take the hint...Which is kind of the point of the song.
OK, I'll pause for the group DUH!
Go ahead, I'll wait...
<tap> <tap> <tap> (sound of my impatient foot)
Thing is, I've been around long enough to know that I've never gotten anywhere by just giving up.
Especially when things like assumptions, expectations and fear are involved.
...and they all have been.
You end up in this place.
Hell, I ended up at this place...
WE, all of us, end up in this kind of place not because of anything WE did. All the arguing, blame, mistrust is just symptomatic.
Fear
That's why we're here. Fear robs the future, clouds the present and denies reason. Fear stays with you until you face it. It lives in the shadows coiled like a serpent waiting to strike.
But the serpent has no fangs other than those you provide.
To give up is easy. Just tell yourself it's the other person's fault and pat those self-fulfilling prophecies on the back as you sow the seeds of regret.
Regret loves a quitter.
To resolve to try even if it means putting it in God's hands is hard.
So here's what I'm going to do.
I'm going to be who I am. I'm going to be true to myself no matter what. I'm not making assumptions, reading between any lines or expecting anything.
Most importantly, I won't quit on anything or anybody I believe in.
And yes, sometimes that means stepping out of the picture for awhile when they need space. If they need me I'm there.
The only failure is to betray that and I'll be damned if I'll make my life any harder than it already is.
I've said it before, I won't be set up to fail...by anyone
...including myself.
Which means I'm not entertaining any more turmoil, any more doubt, any more regrets.
Regret is about the path not taken. A child of fear and an embrace of the shadows.
If I don't know that I've done all that I could do then I reap the harvest of regret.
If I try and fail there's no shame so long as I tried.
So let's get back to the context of this post.
I go all in. I have to. I've got to know that I am doing and have done all I can do to succeed. Even if it looks like I'm not doing much, I'm just leaving an opening.
Sometimes you've just got to leave some room for the divine.
So no matter what, there is and will be no regret here.
Before we get started let me preface this post... I happened to be sampling all the bad relationship advice found on the Internet with all the same tired stereotypes and psychotic reasoning that goes along with it.
...and it pissed me off...
It's not meant to be directed at any one person but rather a spectrum of people in my and others experience.
I just had an epiphany or more accurately had it again. I just remembered why I gave up on romantic relationships for the past decade or so... You see, in the context of relationships I'm pretty much "The Nice Guy." Which for both sexes pretty much puts the "sucker" brand on my forehead... Screw your brands... I've had it. I've had it with the games, the bad advice, the lies and the excuses. I've had a front row seat to and been in enough of my own relationships to see just how much BS goes on. The subjugation of the self, the lies, the denial. All for the greater glory of bragging rights over your "unattached" friends. "Oh god, you haven't been regularly dating? What's wrong with you? That's not normal...Oh I know this great..." Screw you... I choose not to because I prefer quality over quantity and as an ADULT I know what to look for without wearing out my mattress to figure it out. I don't get involved with anyone for any reason other than I think they're worth it. PERIOD. Can you say as much? Are your standards as high or do you just put up with whatever douchebag/bitch that comes along to convince yourself that you're "normal." Your "normal" is sick... The number 1 relationship tip is to love yourself first. If you're putting yourself through all that crap just to measure up to the status quo you can't like yourself much, let alone love... Crap like... The "chase," how women love the chase... Chase this... If your only validation is that someone actually WANTS to get your attention that's a pretty low bar. So you overcompensate and set up a bunch of "rules" that might as well be built on the shifting sands of some hurricane battered beach. "Oh, he calls and texts too much. He's too needy...." Even if it's a couple times a week a disinterested woman can blow it up to the proportions of "constant."
Now I admit this could be a reach (not) but just maybe your new "friend" is wondering why you suddenly dropped off the end of the Earth. Be honest for a change and just admit you either don't have time or don't have any interest. Relationships have 2 sides. It's not "needy" if you're actually interested in someone though now is it? Be honest, if you can. No, never mind. You can't. Men aren't the only ones with double standards... If you had any real interest at all you'd be obsessing that he wasn't contacting you enough. "He took 40 minutes to respond to my text! Why doesn't he like me!" Let me clue you in. A guy that's interested in you is going to take any opportunity to talk to you regardless of whether he's a "nice guy." If you give him your number you're signalling that you're OK with it. Don't like it? Don't give it to him till you actually WANT to talk to him on a regular basis or heaven forbid stop thinking we can read minds and just say so. "I don't even talk to my friends every day." Uh, yeah, yeah you do. At least in the beginning. That's how they became your friends. Otherwise you would never have gotten to know them. I've got friends going back 30 years that I regularly contact. Not as much these days because, well.... We know each other now. How did that happen? We hung out a lot. Sometimes every day! Friendships aren't metered like minutes on a mobile plan. Neither are romantic relationships. People get to know each other by hanging out and talking. They don't have to adhere to some BS schedule with acceptable hours and frequency because they already KNOW you and what's acceptable. That happens because people who like each other actually want to spend time together not just endure it. Otherwise you might as well be scheduling an appointment with a repairman. You gonna hang out with butt-crack guy? Maybe consider the marriage potential? Grow up... What are we? A bunch of 5 year olds on the playground? Perhaps I should dip your pigtails in the inkwell then. That is how little boys used to show they liked a girl at that age...I guess they just like their Facebook page now. What a bunch of bullshit. Yes, it's wonderful when a relationship is new and you're feeling each other out. Although it seems that nowadays it's more like the real measure of "romance" is how fast you can feel each other up. For men, the quicker the better for women it's how long they can hold him off. Congratulations, you've graduated to high school groping in the back seat of mom's Prius. How ironic. How hypocritical... A guy that's honest and upfront is "weak and needy." While captain Douchebag could be a lying prick, you can't get your mind off the wedding invitations and your 2.3 kids. What a load...
Then when he dumps you, abuses you, cheats or otherwise trashes your life you're mystified at how this "great guy" could have done you so wrong. Here's a hint.. You picked him. Eyes firmly shut. You based your decision on what you wanted instead of what you knew. This goes for guys too by the way... Expectations again. Unspoken demands. They will ALWAYS FAIL YOU. Want less heartbreak? How about actually appreciating honesty when it's offered instead of the hollow shell you hold up. There's nothing that takes more courage for a man than admitting he loves another person. Nothing. We're even more terrified than you are of having our feelings betrayed. By the way I mean REAL LOVE, not just saying the word to get into your pants.
Even the Macho asshole types are just scared little boys inside that don't want to be hurt. The most unstable, insecure and immature men are the ones that treat women like garbage. If you're OK being treated like garbage then don't be surprised when you get dumped.
Otherwise stop bagging on the "Nice Guys." Respect, attention and consideration are not abnormal behaviors but your reaction to them is. Live up to your own standards and maybe the fucking divorce rate will finally drop.
"It isn't about being driven it's about survival!" "I didn't do it because I was brave, I had another reason..." There's pain in those words. They came in reaction to something I'd said to them that at the time I thought was supportive.
I recognized instantly the use of the word "survival" in this context coming from a place of frustration, anger and fear. This is an example of the power of perspective. As the unwitting observer I ran headlong into the clash of perspectives. Light and Dark were never so clear as those moments on the phone. We choose our perspective and life unfolds accordingly. We see only that which we allow through its lens. Let's do a little word play. Let's take: "It isn't about being driven it's about sruvival!"
and change a few words around:
"It isn't about survival it's about being driven"
All we did was swap the positions of 2 words and the whole perspective changes from fear and uncertainty to determination.
Which one does the better job of achieving your goals?
Fear motivates nothing but itself.
Now I 'll admit that this person and I often have issues with miscommunication. My words of affirmation likely were interpreted as condescending. I will admit that a very long text clarifying my meaning followed.
One that was likely more reactionary than it should have been but hey, I'm not perfect and the positive affirmation needed a bit stiffer hand than flowery prose could muster. It's an issue that stems from the same perspective that prefers the word "survival" to "driven."
Surviving isn't about living. It's about trying not to die and while we all go through it the goal is not to get stuck there. Yes, the world is full of people that would take advantage of your good nature. If, however, your perspective is focused on those things that support instead of threaten your goals you find life gets a lot more manageable. Remember that positivity isn't about being a happy idiot. Yes, bad things happen but we can choose not to build our lives around them.
I've said it before, We're prisoners of our experience. But only so long as we choose to be. Wisdom comes from adversity but adversity doesn't have to be a lifestyle. The wise man uses his gifts to make his world instead of letting the world make him.
Yeah, yeah, yeah...Flowery words, total BS, easy for you to say. You know what, you're right. It is easy for me to say but only because I choose a perspective that allows me to move forward.
I'm not rich, famous or on anybody's radar but I appreciate the gifts that were given to me and try to share them to make my world a better place. Bad things happen to me all the time but I choose not to dwell in them. What's the point of surviving if all you'll ever be is miserable?
My world is a better place, by the way. Better because my interactions with others are based on an honest desire to make their experiences more positive. It's sincere, it's contagious and hey if I may be so self-indulgent, it makes my life a lot easier. You can't see the sunrise if you're running in the opposite direction. And no, I'm not a morning person but I've learned to love finding the light. At work I often joke that I'm going to go out on the floor and "spread some sunshine." It's sounds stupid but it's my actual intention. Positive begets positive and I've seen it not just in myself but in others. It's not just about making people feel good it's about creating an environment that encourages a positive perspective.
How we see the world and ourselves has a direct effect on the opportunities that open up to us.
So when someone says...
"I didn't do it because I was brave, I had another reason..."
I hear an irrelevant statement. Without divulging any secrets I can tell you that regardless of the reason there's no denying the action was indeed brave regardless of the motivation behind it. They say actions speak louder than words and it's the action that matters. Perspective frames it to either enrich us or steal our power. Remember that the next time someone gives you a sincere compliment. They're just trying to prime the positivity pump. Let them.
