Saturday, July 28, 2018


"Get a good job with more pay and you're OK"

That's what it's all about.


Solver of all the tribulations of a civilization.

Fame, friends, flattery....

All bought with the stuff.

I lust after it too.  I need things otherwise out of reach without it.

Things needed to continue the chase for it.

I'm denied life in its absence.

I'm judged by my accumulation of it.

My happiness a function of it.

So wrong.

Not a tool, a master...

So many promises, so many possibilities, so easy for some.

Never easy for me.  

Sociopath, Greed, Selfishness,  all kindred to it.

Communist?  Hardly, the stench of the beast without benefit of the struggle.

But the struggle.

My value defined by it. 

My simple desires outstretched by the need to retain my soul.

My idealistic philosophy beaten down by its lack of a listing on the NYSE

Do your best and the rewards come naturally


The rewards come only to those undeserving, without conscience.

I've known rich people...They give nothing without a profit motive.

More is all that is enough.

Modest desires, modest means, meaningless dividends.

Altruism, humanity, love....

Stained with the prerequisite of liquidity.

Peace of mind never a reality.

Even those with more can never rest.

Those with less never rest for want of more.

My value my own.

Meaningless to the rest.

Something's wrong here.

Generosity of spirit subjugated by generosity of wallet.

That I had riches to transcend us above this petty thing of paper.

That I could bring joy without a profit/loss statement.

That I could be so right but so wrong to survive in this.

That you didn't mock me for the truth.



Chains of gold, Diamonds and excrement.

My freedom has a price, so does yours.

We, all of us, commodities...Human resources.

Denial of the truth only at a price.  

What's your soul worth.

Mine, whatever they pay by the hour.

Is this what God intended?

You say no but you can't deny the game all the same.


Sunday, July 22, 2018

Southern Cross...

A few false starts...

Many false starts...

In the moment, here now, completely present...

"What Heaven brought you and me cannot be forgotten.."

It'd be better if I could forget.  Better if small things weren't all I had to hold on to.

But we have to appreciate what is not what we want.  Maybe bigger things aren't meant for me.  Maybe the small things are bigger than I think they are.


Sometimes "what is" is hard to swallow.  Sometimes I don't want to take a bite for fear of the taste.

It's how we deal with adversity that defines us but in the definition if all we find is the adversity then a simple truth comes to mind.

We're doing it wrong.

Thursday, July 19, 2018

Little River Band...

Just a good song.  

Maybe someday I'll tell you why I think so...

You can't "Dude Walk" to it around the living room though.  

But you can to this ...


Wednesday, July 18, 2018

How am I feeling right now....

 Remember, these entries are points in time.  Truth, raw emotion, reflection and right now....just cool.

...heh, got me doin' the "dude walk" all over the living room..

Destination Unknown


Destination Unknown...

More fun that way.  I'm not looking for answers or worried about long term plans.  I almost killed my present by letting my past dictate the future.

I was none the wiser...

Take the step and just let the journey unfold.

Things have been strange the past few days having shook up what was my version of normal.  Not that I was that happy with it.  Not that what I've been doing the past few years was that fulfilling.

The more we try to isolate ourselves the more we fail.

I know this...I know nothing about a lot of things and slowly rediscovering that which I'd thought I'd never learned.

Is the Formula fixed? 

No, still on the side of the garage.  Still gonna cost a mint to fix.

Did I get a raise? A cool new job?

Nope, just an opportunity to practice what I preach and I'm glad I could be true to it.


Is anything exactly as I wanted it? No...

But I see evidence of the divine in the way things have unfolded lately.

Credit where its due.  Thank you

I'm finding more reward in loosening the reigns a bit.   The desire is the same but the path is its own concern.  

Let the destination remain unknown.  The journey teaches.  I've been on this path for awhile now I just strayed off it for a bit.

Tomorrow is its own.  

Destination unknown.

Sunday, July 15, 2018

Sometimes I think God hates me...

Sing it baby, sing it.

If there's such a thing as past lives I must have been freakin' Hitler...

Because it seems nothing goes right...all at once.

I get to a nice normal place.  Things aren't perfect, normal trials and tribultations.

Then I get hit. 

Not just like, Ouch, wow that was inconvenient...

No, no...

More like, I'm going to threaten your entire life kind of crap.

I seem to end up screwing up relationships without even trying then I get hit with crap like..

So,  I drive older cars because, well, I can't afford newer ones.  

I've accepted that and all that comes with it.   Meaning a lot of time in the garage and I've become pretty handy.


When God hates me, he hates me good.

So what prompted this?

Two things.

Drove home tonight from my Aunt's house after trying to help her out with her car and some stuff around her house.  

She's got awesome dogs by the way..

Here's a pic of a couple of them...

So I get off the freeway and the car starts acting funny...

Long story short the Transmission is shot.

Already got a quote.  Looking at around $1600

There goes the next month's paychecks.... Rent is going to be an interesting discussion...


But I have another car...

Except it's having issues too.  Issues that could make it as useless as the one sitting on the side of the garage right now.

Life happens.  

A bit much...

God do me one thing and please let me get it straightened out so I can at least go to work.

I already have no social life, my friends are busy with their own lives and.....who cares.

Somehow I screwed up things enough to be here.

So yet again, positivity is taking a beating.

I'm positive this is all happening for a reason but the knee-jerk is simply...


I don't know how much I'm supposed to take but I've heard that GOD don't give you more than
you can handle.


We'll see about that.

Well, at least the grass is looking better on the front lawn.

I'm probably going to be healthier for NOT getting the Bacon Whopper at Burger King last night...

I've got a few beers left in the fridge...

That and, I still know that in the grand scheme none of this matters.  I can remember similar times.  Proud battle scars now.

Lord, I know I'll come through this somehow.  I've done it before.

Good thing I can't make any romance stuff work.  I'd hate to put anyone else through this crap. 

I must be pretty strong...

It'll work out however it's meant to whether I like it or not.   Just like the rest of my life...

Well, nothing happens without effort.  I'm not just going to sit here and sulk about it. 

Wish me luck with the other car.  That and a few prayers wouldn't hurt.  

I may not be as devout as some but I do clasp hands and do some deep talking to invisible people more often than some might think except I'm usually worried about other folks.

Yeah, My aunt, my folks and yes, my muse for all those "other" blog posts.

Still, you know what.

Whomever is reading this.

It'll work out.  I'm not going anywhere ( literally right now ) so no worries. 

Maybe a little more faith is what I need.

An extra prayer from me for the crap you DON'T have to go through.

To those who might be worried.  Nothing but hope and love in my heart.


Friday, July 13, 2018

Free association...Moving in Stereo

Moving in Stereo, who needs 5.1

"So easy to blow up your problems, so easy to play up your breakdown..."

Too much drama, desensitized, deaf, only about you... 

Who cares what I feel right?

I need to quit thinking I can help people that don't want to be helped....

I need to stop falling for people who don't give a damn...

I need to learn to be a better sociopath.  They seem to succeed in everything in this fucked up world.

Nah, too much conscience for that...

Sounds, colors, thoughts, emotions, a dirty canvas.   Throw it out.

Too much in my heart, keeps stirring the soul.  Dumbass...

Shattered, not quite but the cracks are obvious.

Always the same, always sad songs.

A curse of knowing.  An endless loop of....what?

Did I ever tell you?  

I knew she'd leave me.  When I asked for her hand her dad said to me, " don't break her heart" 

I said, " Don't worry, she'll probably break mine "

God, I knew then...

Another Her... 

My fault, her fault, nobody's fault.

It's just...

Things uncovered long buried. I never dealt with them I just ignored them and 20 years later made the same choices.

Mom's fault, Dad's fault..Who is he again?  Who fucking cares.

Only reprieve, I make others happy.

Without that...

Best not to dwell.  

Tired of the same hamster wheel...

No worries, but no I don't care if you think I'm nuts.  How perfect is your life?

Do you dare look closer?

Your own lie to bear.

At least I admit to mine.

Too many "hers" I've waited on.

One blessing makes all this pass.

The other shoe has dropped.and I'm still here.

No so bad after all...

Stronger than I thought.

Too bad only I know it...


"All mixed up..."Don't care, not my problem...

"Leave it to me..." 

Yeah, that's the problem.  

Never EVER leave it to someone else.

Hey God, could we stop this now?

A lottery win or something would be nice...


Me, not God 

Somebody would be offended...

Let's stay away from the whole God thing...

"She never does arrive" 

So I'll stop waiting...

Stupid games, too old for this crap...


Thursday, July 12, 2018

I love the rain


There's something about the rain.

I live in a place where its anticipated in the same way others would anticipate the first snowfall.

But unlike those gentle flakes it comes not as a quiet, gentle visitor but with a fury.  As though the parched empty days that preceded it were relinquishing their power to what was to come.

And when it comes; an explosion of wind, rain and light unleashed all at once.

A welcome reprieve.  Exciting and terrifying.  A respite from the sun.

A respite from thoughts that as of late have held too much sway over me.

Tuesday, July 10, 2018

Sometimes I feel...


I have to admit....

It's a really good song...

I picked this particular video not just for the sound quality which I admit could be better but for the lyrics set in time to it.

In case you haven't noticed, the past few posts have had music videos embedded in them that either match the tone of what I'm trying to say or the message.  Sometimes both.

This one is a little scary but the truth always is.

I kind of feel like the guy who'd be singing this song.  I mean other than Phil Collins.  I meant it figuratively.  Try to stay with me here...

I guess if I was feeling that way  I should take the hint...Which is kind of the point of the song.

OK, I'll pause for the group DUH!

Go ahead, I'll wait...

<tap> <tap> <tap>                     (sound of my impatient foot)

Thing is, I've been around long enough to know that I've never gotten anywhere by just giving up.

Especially when things like assumptions, expectations and fear are involved.

...and they all have been.

You end up in this place.

Hell, I ended up at this place...

WE, all of us, end up in this kind of place not because of anything WE did.  All the arguing, blame, mistrust is just symptomatic.


That's why we're here.  Fear robs the future, clouds the present and denies reason.  Fear stays with you until you face it.  It lives in the shadows coiled like a serpent waiting to strike.

But the serpent has no fangs other than those you provide.

To give up is easy. Just tell yourself it's the other person's fault and pat those self-fulfilling prophecies on the back as you sow the seeds of regret. 

Regret loves a quitter.

To resolve to try even if it means putting it in God's hands is hard.

So here's what I'm going to do.

I'm going to be who I am.  I'm going to be true to myself no matter what.  I'm not making assumptions, reading between any lines or expecting anything. 

Most importantly, I won't quit on anything or anybody I believe in.   

And yes, sometimes that means stepping out of the picture for awhile when they need space.  If they need me I'm there.

The only failure is to betray that and I'll be damned if I'll make my life any harder than it already is.

I've said it before, I won't be set up to anyone

...including myself.

Which means I'm not entertaining any more turmoil, any more doubt, any more regrets.

Regret is about the path not taken.  A child of fear and an embrace of the shadows. 

If I don't know that I've done all that I could do then I reap the harvest of regret.

If I try and fail there's no shame so long as I tried.

So let's get back to the context of this post.

I go all in.  I have to.  I've got to know that I am doing and have done all I can do to succeed.  Even if it looks like I'm not doing much, I'm just leaving an opening.   

Sometimes you've just got to leave some room for the divine.

So no matter what, there is and will be no regret here. 

Ensure that you can say the same.

My wish for all of you...

Heart be....alright!

Sunday, July 8, 2018

Nice guys...Ladies, you're the problem

Before we get started let me preface this post...

I happened to be sampling all the bad relationship advice found on the Internet with all the same tired stereotypes and psychotic reasoning that goes along with it.   

...and it pissed me off... 

It's not meant to be directed at any one person but rather a spectrum of people in my and others experience.


I just had an epiphany or more accurately had it again.

I just remembered why I gave up on romantic relationships for the past decade or so...

You see, in the context of relationships I'm pretty much "The Nice Guy."

Which for both sexes pretty much puts the "sucker" brand on my forehead...

Screw your brands...

I've had it.  I've had it with the games, the bad advice, the lies and the excuses.

I've had a front row seat to and been in enough of my own relationships to see just how much BS goes on.  The subjugation  of the self, the lies, the denial.  All for the greater glory of bragging rights over your "unattached" friends.

"Oh god, you haven't been regularly dating?  What's wrong with you?  That's not normal...Oh I know this great..."

Screw you...

I choose not to because I prefer quality over quantity and as an ADULT I know what to look for without wearing out my mattress to figure it out.  

I don't get involved with anyone for any reason other than I think they're worth it.  PERIOD.

Can you say as much?  Are your standards as high or do you just put up with whatever douchebag/bitch that comes along to convince yourself that you're "normal."

Your "normal" is sick...

The number 1 relationship tip is to love yourself first.  If you're putting yourself through all that crap just to measure up to the status quo you can't like yourself much, let alone love...

Crap like...

The "chase," how women love the chase...

Chase this...

If your only validation is that someone actually WANTS to get your attention that's a pretty low bar.

So you overcompensate and set up a bunch of "rules" that might as well be built on the shifting sands of some hurricane battered beach.

"Oh, he calls and texts too much.  He's too needy...."  Even if it's a couple times a week a disinterested woman can blow it up to the proportions of "constant."

Now I admit this could be a reach (not) but just maybe your new "friend" is wondering why you suddenly dropped off the end of the Earth.  Be honest for a change and just admit you either don't have time or don't have any interest.  Relationships have 2 sides. 

It's not "needy" if you're actually interested in someone though now is it?  Be honest, if you can. No, never mind.  You can't.  

Men aren't the only ones with double standards...

If you had any real interest at all you'd be obsessing that he wasn't contacting you enough.

"He took 40 minutes to respond to my text!  Why doesn't he like me!"

Let me clue you in.  A guy that's interested in you is going to take any opportunity to talk to you  regardless of whether he's a "nice guy."  If you give him your number you're signalling that you're OK with it. 

Don't like it?  Don't give it to him till you actually WANT to talk to him on a regular basis or heaven forbid stop thinking we can read minds and just say so.

"I don't even talk to my friends every day."

Uh, yeah, yeah you do.  At least in the beginning.  That's how they became your friends.  Otherwise you would never have gotten to know them.  I've got friends going back 30 years that I regularly contact.  Not as much these days because, well....

We know each other now.  

How did that happen?  We hung out a lot.  Sometimes every day!

Friendships aren't metered like minutes on a mobile plan.  Neither are romantic relationships.   People get to know each other by hanging out and talking.  They don't have to adhere to some BS schedule with acceptable hours and frequency because they already KNOW you and what's acceptable.  

That happens because people who like each other actually want to spend time together not just endure it.

Otherwise you might as well be scheduling an appointment with a repairman.  

You gonna hang out with butt-crack guy?  Maybe consider the marriage potential?

Grow up...

What are we?  A bunch of 5 year olds on the playground?  Perhaps I should dip your pigtails in the inkwell then.  That is how little boys used to show they liked a girl at that age...I guess they just like their Facebook page now.

What a bunch of bullshit.  

Yes, it's wonderful when a relationship is new and you're feeling each other out.  Although it seems that nowadays it's more like the real measure of "romance" is how fast you can feel each other up.

For men, the quicker the better for women it's how long they can hold him off.

Congratulations, you've graduated to high school groping in the back seat of mom's Prius.

How ironic.  How hypocritical...

A guy that's honest and upfront is "weak and needy."  While captain Douchebag could be a lying prick, you can't get your mind off the wedding invitations and your 2.3 kids.

What a load...

Then when he dumps you, abuses you, cheats or otherwise trashes your life you're mystified at how this "great guy" could have done you so wrong.

Here's a hint..  You picked him.  Eyes firmly shut.

You based your decision on what you wanted instead of what you knew.  This goes for guys too by the way...

Expectations again.  Unspoken demands.  They will ALWAYS FAIL YOU.

Want less heartbreak?  How about actually appreciating honesty when it's offered instead of the hollow shell you hold up.

There's nothing that takes more courage for a man than admitting he loves another person.  Nothing.  We're even more terrified than you are of having our feelings betrayed.
By the way I mean REAL LOVE, not just saying the word to get into your pants.

Even the Macho asshole types are just scared little boys inside that don't want to be hurt.

The most unstable, insecure and immature men are the ones that treat women like garbage.  

If you're OK being treated like garbage then don't be surprised when you get dumped.

Otherwise stop bagging on the "Nice Guys."  Respect, attention and consideration are not abnormal behaviors but your reaction to them is.

Live up to your own standards and maybe the fucking divorce rate will finally drop.   

I'm done with this...